tekhnikolor projektor

mono

2009-01-08T16:59:00.000+08:00

packing. moving. saying goodbye. it's never easy but it must be done.

monokhrome.wordpress.com

mungkin nanti...

2006-08-02T13:32:00.000+08:00

...akan ku bisa melupuskan ingatan ini, tapi ku pinta, jangan kau coba mengingatkan diriku pada kisah yang lampau...

Saatnya ku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpi mu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

Track Of The Day: Peter Pan - Mungkin Nanti

i found you

2006-07-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

it's seems, contrary to popular belief, keeping bad company has it's uses after all, like now... i've tracked you down and found you. got your address, got your home phone number... the works...

N, i'm coming for you soon... sit easy, sit pretty for the snakes strikes when you least expect it... so don't run and take it like the man you claim to be...

La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid

Track Of The Day: Drowning Pool - Bodies

my day

2006-07-19T10:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[park], photoshop cs)

one more tick to the count but yet i feel the same...

Track Of The Day: Incubus - Pistola

fuck believing

2006-07-17T18:56:00.000+08:00

photography[bangkok skies], photoshop cs)

i was told you exist... i was told you provide protection to the innocent... to those in trouble... but where were you when she needed you most?

i say fuck you and all your little mortal lambs that spread the so called good word about you... you're a lie... a sham... a human created fiasco... faith and believe is but a mockery of what i have placed in you before... the situation and the outcome reaffirms the aethist and nihilist in me...

if by any cosmic chance you do exist, i'll be on the side that opposes you when the time comes, count on it...

Track Of The Day: Trivium - Pull Harder On The String Of Your Martyr

innocence lost

2006-07-12T11:58:00.000+08:00

Bitter is the taste of a broken heart... because of an innocence so harshly stolen away...

Track Of The Day: The Fray - Look After You

god damn the month of june

2006-07-01T18:00:00.000+08:00

words fail me... and i can nothing but only hold my screaming crying heart still...

god damn you... and the month of june...

it always rains...

2006-05-31T15:22:00.000+08:00

when you least expects it too...

1 month+ of solitary confinement... i keep telling myself it's only 1 month till i see u again, but one month seems too damn long...

Track Of The Day: Flunk - Morning Star

so far away

2006-04-10T13:08:00.000+08:00

(photography[office], photoshop cs)

hey little sister, where are you going? you're so far away...

Track Of The Day: Juwita Suwito - Beautiful Lies

bangkoktripping: pool side chillout

2006-03-25T13:40:00.000+08:00

(photography[hotel pool side], photoshop cs)

Track Of The Day: Noize - One More Chance

bangkoktripping: suan lum

2006-03-21T14:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[suan lum night market], photoshop cs)

suan lum night market... an alternative to chatuchak, if you missed chatuchak... Since its only up on sunday, every week... prices are slightly higher but the surroundings are much cleaner and comfortable compared to the chatuchak...

one of the main attraction of suan lum is the multi piece live band of around 20 members. they're versatile, as in music styles... switching members and songs with clockwork precision for hours...

Track Of The Day: Skrubb - Klai

bangkoktripping:chatuchak raiders

2006-03-15T16:28:00.000+08:00

(photography[me+the gang], photoshop cs)

chatuchak sunday market... for someone like me that abhors shopping, this place pretty much rocks... good food, cool clothes and interior decor items, electronics etc etc... you name it, this place has it all... saw lotsa stuff with high marketability back in kl here and cheap as heck to boot... the chinese businessman mode in me kicking in... lol!~

now if only i could find a way to ship back that old school brown leather couch and the rice paper stand lamp for my room... *ponders*

Track Of The Day: Moderndog - Tar Sawang

bangkoktripping:foreign dawn

2006-03-08T01:16:00.001+08:00

(photography[self], photoshop cs)

same dawn, different city... buildings arranged differently... huge highways and huge jams that dwarves local ones... signboards in a foreign language... local bands on mtv that sounds suprisingly good...

well it definitely feels good to be in a foreign city... maybe it's the holiday mood: waking up seeing all your colleagues perky and zesty; waiting to conquer another wat, go for a long massage session(sans *cough*happyending*cough* =P) or go for a shopping spree in one of bangkok's many malls... good cheap food and polite people everywhere you go... i could come back here again, that's for sure...

waking up remembering promises of stealing away from life's routine to go on a phuket for two adventure... flying from two different depatures to meet in the same foreign destination... premature plans, broken promises...

i wonder how would it be like... and i think i like it that i'm not giving myself hope anymore...

Track Of The Day: P.O.D - Goodbye For Now

bangkoktripping:chasing lights

2006-02-20T16:39:00.000+08:00

(photography[view from my hotel room], photoshop cs)

tracing lines chasing lights racing on sukhumvit...

Track Of The Day: Atomphunk – Subsonik (Funk Mix)

bangkoktripping:window watcher

2006-02-17T16:30:00.000+08:00

(photography[view from my hotel window], photoshop cs)

turn the lights off, throw open the window shades and watches as bangkok dusk bids you welcome...

Track Of The Day: Moody B presents – Sounds From The Village (Break In The Village Mix)

bangkoktripping:hotel

2006-02-15T15:51:00.000+08:00

(photography[hotel, bangkok], photoshop cs)

not my photos, got em from travelmates. you guys think i would take shoddy blur pics like these? lol =P

left kl on 7/01/06 around 7+am on flight AK 5176... reached bangkok around 9+am... checked in about 10+am, after spending some time in the infamous bangkok jam, bleh...

nice hotel, great food, wonderful pool... pictures (in order) are: hotel lobby, hotel lounge, my room for 3d/2n, italian restaurant on the ground floor, buffet hall on the roof and the pool, next to the buffet hall, on the roof...

Track Of The Day: Pru feat. Oranee - Prode

taking a break

2006-01-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

(photography[flying in an airplane], photoshop cs)

taking a well deserved break with the gang... flying to bangkok for a four day (7th - 10th)... see you hotties when i get back *winks*

Track Of The Day: Fatboy Slim - Sunset(Bird Of Prey)

this is for one

2006-01-05T18:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[grappa], photoshop cs)

taking a break with che... having my tinto and medianoche.. watching the people from the shadows in my little corner...

Track Of The Day: Lifehouse - Blind

same

2006-01-01T15:28:00.000+08:00

after the confetti has been swept away into the dust pan... after picking out the streamers from each other's hair, when you wake up in a tangle at noon on 1st january 2006... after the liquor spills has dried up on the living room rug... after all the laughters... after all the alcohol induced good wishes... after flirting with all the girls and a boy or two... after rolling on the bed, stealing kisses with the girl your best friend has brought to the party...

2006 is here, and it still feels the same after all...

happy new year... may the year bring you what you want, providing you put in a little work here and there of course, yes? *smiles*

Track Of The Day: Longview - This Is

merry christmas

2005-12-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[my xmas tree, photoshop cs)

merry xmas... tekhnikolorprojektor will be closed for the holidays... see you in 2006...

Track Of The Day: Wham - Last Christmas

patojo

2005-12-16T16:17:00.000+08:00

(photography[my hands], photoshop cs)

Take it, it's nothing more than my heart,
hold it in your hand
so that when the day has come
you'll open up your hand
that the sun may bring warmth to it....

-Julio Roberto Caceres Valle-

9spaces: borneo ink/ hip snake tatt

2005-12-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

(photography[borneo ink], photoshop cs)

suffer the serpent's temptations *smiles*

Track Of The Day: Motley Crue - New Tattoo

9spaces: michie's and mandy's pad/mandy's bday

2005-12-12T22:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[me, mandy n michelle]. photoshop cs)

hey happy belated bday mandy =D hope you like the things that i gave ya...

9spaces: xmas shopping with the gang/reta

2005-12-12T13:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[reta, me and the gang], photoshop cs)

bumped into reta eating, after doing her xmas shopping at TGIF, subang parade while on a xmas present outing with the office gang myself...

(note 1st top left pic) squint and you might just see a few heads over my shoulders *chuckles*

i had my usual finger food(calamari) and beer... shared the mocha mud pie with reta... hey, let's go for makan again reta, and wish ya luck on ya job hunt =D

Track Of The Day: Groove Armada - Little By Little

i belong here

2005-12-08T11:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[bb broken], photoshop cs)

the ball is your court bb...

"finally i found that i belong here..."

Track Of The Day: Depeche Mode - Home

that breaking sound

2005-12-06T12:10:00.000+08:00

(stock image[xray], photography[odds and ends], photoshop cs)

do you hear that breaking sound?

Track Of The Day: Jeff Buckley - So Real

what did i do, i broke you in two

2005-11-30T08:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[from down here with you], photoshop cs)

it was never my intention to dance with you... but the music was so loud and our connection was so real... it moved my body...

i know i'm not alone... i know you feel it too...

Track Of The Day: Explosions In The Sky - Time Stops

the web we weave

2005-11-26T13:08:00.000+08:00

(photography[jakarta], photoshop cs)

look up and see the wicked web we weave to hold ourselves down...

the web that is too high expectations, too much promises, too little time, not enough of everything that we want/need... taken away, given up, forsaken... refused, regurgitated, reused...

year end are always dreary in my diary, its automatically a reflection time, an auto recap, whether i want it or not... nothing hits you harder than a 10-ton 18-wheeler barreling at you at 125kmph on the expressway... an expressway called life and a 10-ton 18-wheeler called LABTYD...

i wish someone/something could rewind me back 10 years... and let me make everything right or almost right... cos' now it's downhill all the way, and the brakes ain't working at all...

Track Of The Day: Mercury Rev - Holes

9spaces: reta/bday

2005-11-22T18:10:00.000+08:00

(photography[me n reta @ genki sushi 1U], photoshop cs)

happy belated bday reta...

Track Of The Day: Incubus - Stellar

i found you, i found you not

2005-11-21T17:49:00.000+08:00

monday, november 21st, 2005... i guess shouldn't say hi eh? i don't want you to run again... took me so long to find you...

i'm happy being a spectator, i'm happy that you're doing well and i'm happy that you found someone to take care of you in my absence... maybe one day i would approach you, say hi and brace myself for your reactions...

then again, maybe not...

all the best, and may you be the superstardeejaylawyer that you aspire to be...

Track Of The Day: The Seahorses - Love Me And Leave Me

a case of the butterfly caught

2005-11-14T14:52:00.000+08:00

(photography[my hands, butterfly], photoshop cs)

don't wanna let you go...

Track Of The Day - Massive Attack - Butterfly Caught

happy birthday hottie.

2005-11-11T02:28:00.000+08:00

bisa saja

2005-11-10T15:33:00.000+08:00

widya quoted, " Bisa saja kau dan dia menikmatinya buat seketika, walaupun cinta bukan dasarnya... ia ikatan kasih sementara, hanya karena saling kesepian, keperluan manja dan memuja... but it does feel good doesn't it? there can never be enough love... or people wanting to love you, just as long as you know it doesn't go beyond a point... we are all only human after all..."

thanks widdy...

Track Of The Day: Gigi - Bisa Saja

everyday i love you less and less

2005-11-09T14:12:00.000+08:00

(photography[self, guitar and sofa], photoshop cs)

it was a good week's break from the grind... now, we're all back to the stone again *sighs* holidays go by faster when you're having a ball...

drop kick suzy said i drop too much bombs, emotional ones... i guess i agree with her... she said something to the lines of: people that lives in sealed space colonies should not throw hi-fragmentation grenades... *laughs* gamer analogies do make sense sometimes...

stop being nice... stop sending vibes.. stop being flirty... stop blurring the lines... stop.it.all., she says *sighs*

that's only providing that those that kena your emo bombs don't know how to differentiate things, she said... you can still be nice to me, you are not you if you're not flirty, she added with a smirk... WTF! sheesh, yea yea yea *laughs*

trashed the house gate and bust a tyre in a hurry yesterday... parents dropped their own bomb about our family problems... knnccb, the mother of all bad luck and fucked up timing, AGH!

currently hitting the low periods, the negative dip in the sine wave... kaiser chief's song sums up my emotions perfectly... frost out *bleah*

Track Of The Day - Kaiser Chief's - Everyday I Love You Less And Less

marry me elaine daly

2005-10-31T18:05:00.000+08:00

(photography[sutra house], photoshop cs)

i caught up with the brainy and bootylicious elaine daly at the sutra house on thursday night... heck, what a fine female specimen *grins*... former miss malaysia universe 2003/2004... she currently spends her time, acting in movies, stage plays, soap operas, emceeing, doing tv commercials, print ads, modelling and cat walking...

pictures might tell a thousand words but heck, you gotta see this woman in the flesh. she's one freaking hot, talkative, funny and smart girl... did i say she hot? oh yes i did *starry eyed*

marry me elaine daly!~ *chasing after elanie daly who beating a hasty retreat*

Track Of The Day: Natalie feat. Baby Bash - Energy

9spaces: dinner/'red kebaya' shoot wrap

2005-10-27T08:18:00.000+08:00

---------------------------------------------------------

(photography[sutra house, titwangsa], photoshop cs)

dinner with the crew and cast of 'red kebaya' shoot at sutra house, titiwangsa...

Track Of The Day: (background ronggeng music)

plastic friends

2005-10-26T14:50:00.000+08:00

(photography[office], photoshop cs)

...plastic fisted tyrant of my little own plastic desktop nation... populated by my ever vigilant plastic citizens... and one scaly green friend...

...baby ragamuffin... eason... mc yan... davy... biyo... teri... uni... tane... tyra...

...ribbit b... tribal b... B b... fook b...

...swato... genkinu...

...oblivious, headbopping, upskirt headphone-chan and hebibin, my pet green whip snake in a bottle...

he's drowning love

2005-10-23T01:15:00.000+08:00

(photography[dropkicksuzy's legs, bathtub], photoshop cs)

am i?

too much?

too little?

too late?

too soon?

Track Of The Day: Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down

my condolences

2005-10-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun... pak lah, may your wife rest in peace...

danse avec moi

2005-10-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

(photography[luna], photoshop cs)

lately, i have a thing for KPM music, running downstairs and raiding the CD library... for the uninitiated, KPM music cds are usually what the audio production people use for sourcing out music, loops, beats and ideas...

Track Of The Day: DJ Buddha (KPM 532 CD) - Danse Avec Moi

sometimes 002

2005-10-11T08:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[c. @ pd], photoshop cs2)

she calls me sometimes...

and she tells me... sometimes she would like to imagine that i just went for a long vacation...

and that i will come back to her one day... (and it still hurts me like fuck to hear her say that)

(picture circa 2004)

Track Of The Day: Jack Johnson - Better Together

sometimes 001

2005-10-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

(photography[me @ pd], photoshop cs2)

sometimes... often... i find myself wanting... so intensely... to be alone...

but in reality, my biggest fear is...

that i will be...

Track Of The Day: Peace Orchestra feat. Hubert Tubbs - Who Am I

'flying' solo

2005-10-07T03:08:00.000+08:00

(lomography[self], photoshop cs2)

i've always been a lone flier in almost every aspect in my life... but 4-20 is something that i almost always never do alone... there's something about laughing at nothing and giggling at your friends for no reason at all... to be a total ass, to be irritatingly chatty and to watch your friends make a fool of themselves...

and to get totally hungry and go get ourselves overloaded-bloated on AnW at the 24hr drive-thru in front of amcorp mall...

guess i'll have to make do with memories and massive attack's 100th window, on loop on the windows media player.. randomize on full screen... psychedelic tunnel baby...

come back soon heroes(and heroines)... even the wolf gets lonely sometimes...

Track Of The Day: Massive Attack - Future Proof

do not touch

2005-10-04T17:14:00.000+08:00

//RANT ON//

i don't know what's with me and my girl friends coming to me every other day or two and complain to my face that they got groped, AGAIN... demographically, maybe i have a large collection of hot girl friends that, by some certain perverse sicko law of perverts of the known universe... deserved to be publically fondled and molested by icky strange men?

hey you...

a girl wearing a low cut tie string cotton pants and g-string does not mean you can stick your hands in there and grope her buttcheeks...

a girl wearing a low cleavage dress does not mean you can pretend stumble and fall onto them with both your hand strategically falling onto her lefty and righty...

after the deed, some girls go on a name calling rampage... some girls get flustered and just shrugs it off... but others get trauma-ed... they get scared to be in public... to take a public transport... to get in a cab... they get EMOTIONALLY SCARRED YOU MOTHER FUCKING CHEEBYES SON OF A VD INFESTED WHORE!!!~

i hate gropers... fuck you, you asshole.. go back and grope your mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces and grandmas if you like groping women so much... i'd like to beat the crap out of you, break your arms and legs... and force you to watch helplessly as i proceed to molest the shit out of your sister in front of you...

wait, let me rephrase that... i WOULD NOT stoop to your level of depravity because i've never seen the thrill in groping a stranger... no matter how pert and round their ass are or how buxom they may be... i may admire and look, but i will never touch (when i'm not allowed to)

they should instate the barbaric hand-chopping law of yesteryears again, no shit... bleh...

//RANT OFF//

sitting waiting wishing

2005-09-29T18:05:00.000+08:00

(lomography[dead tree], photoshop cs)

one thing about trees, they make pretty interesting photog subjects... no two are the same... no two tilt the same way... no two are foilaged like each other... no two grow the same way... no two are the same height...

they don't fidget... they don't get giggly... they don't whine when you take too long... they don't moan if you snap them from their bad angle...

a profound metaphor about trees popped into my head while taking pictures: they're patient... they stay put... they face the same angle for years and years... they wait forever... well, almost...

even trees get tired of waiting...

and they die...

Track Of The Day: Jack Johnson - Sitting Waiting Wishing

one tree hill

2005-09-26T17:39:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[one tree hill], photoshop cs)

skinny dipping

2005-09-23T20:18:00.000+08:00

(lomography[your favorite shoes], photoshop cs)

old memories... i remember that day, you telling your parents you wanted to stay home because you felt unwell... i remember you calling me over immediately when they left... i remember skinny dipping in your kidney-shaped pool, sunning naked on the deck chairs... i remember your different skin tone, a contrast on mine as we lay entwined together... i remember the waft of lavender smell on your beige bedsheets and pillows... and your clothes cupboard as you toss the door open... i remember you teaching me about your religion and you asking me about mine... i remember your brown eyes... i remember your cheeky grin... i remember the last time i slept with you before you went over to NY... i remember the last email i got from you...

you said you would forget if i wasn't around... you said you would drift because you need physical attention and neverending affection... and i think i picked up that bad habit of yours...

so would you be flattered if i still remembered? because i'm very sure, you've already forgotten...

(picture credits to e. i would've asked your permission, but you aren't exactly contactable aye bunny?)

Track Of The Day: 3 Doors Down - Right Where I Belong

oh.my.god.

2005-09-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[mel and ai vee], photoshop cs)

why do i love my girl friends? because they love each other as well *grins*

Track Of The Day: Low Millions - Eleanor

7

2005-09-16T20:38:00.000+08:00

And thus i've been sandwiched between and quadruple whammied by four damn hot and sexylicious babe bloggers. It's either I do this meme or be cursed with a womenless existence *cue horror screech* by Laidbare, Hedonistics Anonymous, Cyber-Red and Chienne (actually only by Laidbare.. but since HA, CR and C is taggin me to, I blame them as well.. nyeh nyeh :P) *despairs*

I'm not particularly superstitious but goddamn... these four babes know i need my women more than my air, food and water... *sighs* they practically have me by my balls here, soooo here goes nothing:

7 things you plan to do before you die:
1) Get rich... preferably by hook and NOT by crook, but i'm not choosy. money is money (to fund the below endeavors...)
2) Travel and do photography (the whole of South East Asia, South Americas, Silk Road, Tibet.. any exotic locales)
3) Shoot my arthouse film(s) and those controversial documentaries that i've scripted up.
4) Get everybody from my old crappy band back together again and complete that bloody album we planned, no matter how bad we sound.
5) Own bungalows/houses/apartments in NY, Brasilia, Venice, France, Bali, HK, Shanghai (you get the idea :))
6) Have my own disco/club with a secret/private swingers den built into the basement.
7) Have sex with a hot pair of identical twin sisters and take both of them as my mistresses.

7 things I could do(for now):
1) Paint/sketch/write more.
2) Take more photos/videos.
3) Mess around in photoshop, illustrator, after effects and combustion and come up with something mindblowing.
4) Call up that identical twin sisters and hopefully hook "something" up :P
5) Go for my 20th cup of coffee for the day.
6) Go for a smoke.
7) Go out and buy a stack of lottery tickets or 6/49 toto from the nearby shophouses (why not start the get rich plan now?)

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Angelina Jolie.
2)Jessica Alba.
3)Kristin Kreuk.
4) Monica Belluci.
5) Yua Aida.
6) Reon Kadena aka Minamo Kusano.
7) Sora Aoi.

7 often repeated words:
1) Fuck/Fucker/Fucking/Fuck you/Fuck off.
2) Ma hai/Nia ma hai/Ma chau hai/Ma far hai.
3) Tiu/Tiu kau lei/Tiu lei lou mei/Tiu lei lou shi.
4) Yau mou lannnnnnn.
5) Damn/Shit
6) No/ Cannot
7) See Ya/Latersz...

7 physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:
1) Personality/character ( no... really... serious shit!!~ )
2) Smile (no.. really... oh SHUT UP you!!~)
3) Boobs (now, we're talking!!!~)
4) Body (curvy, shapely but nothing too skinny, i abhor stick insects, ergh O___o)
5) Boobs (nothing more than MY handful.. which, if you must know, is a 34C btw :P)
6) Longggggg legs/Height (Preferably but not a must have... petite girls rock my socks too)
7) Boobs (mmmmmmmmmmmmm...)

Not taggin anyone... cos' memes are ebilllll, and it seems that the whole bloody PPS blogsphere and beyond has been forced to "take" this meme up its behind three times over... ah well *chuckles*

word of the day: diver

2005-09-12T19:06:00.000+08:00

i went to a drinking session a week or so back with some friends and was introduced as a "diver" in hushed tones by a close girl friend / ex girlfriend to her girl friends which i haven't meet before...

"girls... this is seth, and he likes diving a lot..."

"hello", they replied.. offering their soft hands... some of them went "ah..", with a twinkle in their eyes...

"diving? eh babe, i don't dive...", i nudged her and whispered into her ear... she then ribbed me back and gave me a wink and an all-knowing smile...

"ohhhhh... "dive"...", i cleared my throat and looked at her, wide-eyed, grinning at me like a fool...

god, i felt so fucking awkward that night... *sighs*

Track Of The Day: S&S presents – The Angels

life maintenance in progress

2005-09-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

i know i've been missing, doing some life maintenance... in progress... working out some work and life related hurdles... hence the MIA... and i might be off for a lil bit more longer...

just wanna clarify myself... i felt like i was being rude with my distance and silence, but i'm not doing it on purpose... worry not, dinners and guinness to those i promise shall be forthcoming, you know who you all favorite people of mine are *smiles*

just bear with me for awhile longer aye?

don't stand there

2005-08-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

(photography[me/dj spacedman - licensed to fly, at the turntables], photoshop cs)

music, liquor and drugs... three of the most kick ass thing in the whole wide world other than sex... it's times like this, when a million fuck ups are abound, when life doesn't go as smoothly as you planned, when the silent pauses are long in-between... nothing beats the triple trouble combo... but i think this time around, i won't just stand here, shut everything away and drink-fly-space out... time to grab the mix tapes and take a long drive nowhere...

have a good hols people... the inkandsteeldemons, the fourtwentyheroes, theforgottens, the emokingsandqueens... and not forgetting you normal people out there *smiles*

message to annakilli: babe, i don't hate all house... i do actually think i'm beginning to like deep house, thanks to you *winks* thanks for the mixes...

Track Of The Day: Miguel Migs – Dont Stand There

the one decade honesty dilemma

2005-08-30T00:49:00.000+08:00

bb. is a true and true cute gamer chick, with her straight, long black hair and geeky, small black-brown framed emo glasses... blessed with a non gamer, killer, young 34-24-34 curves to boot... something a gamer boy would gladly give up a +10 sword of all slaying, a set of godly armor plus ten thousand gold pieces to meet in real life... lo and behold, i by fluke, luck and chance, met her... and there she was, waving her axe around, meandering her time away in a mmorpg a few years back which i happen to also play out of boredom... i never paid much notice to girl avatars in mmorpgs for some real life males were notorious in using a female avatar to solicit equipments and gold from hot blooded real life teenage male players *laughs* i looked at her, made small talk and went on my own merry way, hacking at cute, defenseless furry animals while she did the same on the other end of the screen... so i sauntered into town, my backpack full of drop items for sale and i saw a clan was recruiting, her clan... so i pondered on it for awhile before signing on the recruitment charter... so there i was, surrounded by a bunch of noisy kids, talking about in-depth game stuff... i just sat there and listened...

the kids would call me uncle *laughs* i never made it point to hide my age in the online games i play... i would get reactions ranging from "cool!" to "really? O___o" to "it doesn't matter... (^__^)"... gamers were cool like that... age was no barrier to us mingling and we were after all only as physical as the avatars that represents us on screen... it's the gaming spirit and the teamwork that's important... and so there she was... asking and asking, while nobody answered... cluelessly cute and oblivious to why i was called uncle by the rest, cos' she was busy hacking and slashing away at the enemies when we were laughing over my age *smiles*

and that's how i met her...

bb. was never really a blogger... she kept her own blog, which were weekly, if not monthly updates on her study life and the occasional post on things other than studies... but she does make it a fact to read blogs cos' she's a voyeur like that... and she frequents my blog cos' she likes how my writing and images evokes emotions in her... unfortunately my last few posts about e. has struck a certain chord of disdain in her... she cries foul at my distrust with her and at my unwillingness to open up the rest of myself to her for i only share with her the part of me that adores and loves her... the part that treat her like she is his world, his anchor... she wants to see the darker side, the secret that he keeps but he's not too sure if he wants to expose that part of him to her... not just yet... maybe in time, but seriously, not yet...

i for one must learn that the honesty of a 20 year old out of town girl is very much different than a 20+ year old KL woman... for her trust is a very pure thing and i can see that her trust for me is whole... and for all that's true and sacred, that seriously scares the bejeezuz outta me... i've been used to playing mind fucks, distrust, dishonesty and lately, i've learnt that even years being in love doesn't make up for anything when shit happens... when the other party just refuses to make things happen, gives up and drops outta the picture sans explanations... i've been in relationships where honesty is a thing that you laugh at, then turn around to swap partners for the night and wake up tomorrow next to strangers... go look for my girlfriend among the tangle of bodies, wake her up, walk out the front door and say i love you to each other like nothing has happened... i was so deluded then, thinking that that was love... i would be a liar to say i didn't enjoy myself back then... debauchery and hedonism has it's attractions, and somedays when i sit down now, unfortunately, i still crave for it...

there's was one point in my life, where drinking and drugging yourself silly was a nightly affair, hence i can understand why people do that, but i don't condone it though... so many girls that i've been in and so many thing that's been in me for that period in time, i went for blood tests every 4-6 months just to keep myself from flipping out... worrying if i might die from something i picked up or my kidneys might just crash from all the crap i feed through my mouth and skin... and i'm still paying back through my kidneys and liver actually...

and i myself must also learn to to control my ditrust and jealousy and accept that she's young and she needs her space... and she needs her other boys, other than me... and it is no fault of hers that she will have admirers... and she will have guys going after her, regardless of what i do... i guess all older man-younger girl relationship has this problems, as a few friends in similar relationship has warned me of things like this happening... guess the hazards comes with the territory huh? *laughs*

bb., i want you to know, you're are the one keeping me sane and grounded when everything falls apart around me... as i've told you again, i don't care if my friends tell me that 20 year olds ain't exactly good "anchors" because they're too young to know shit, cos' bloody hell, you're my anchor, that's for sure... you plucked up the courage to approach the big bad wolf... and the big bad wolf learned not to snarl and bite at your advances... that's a very big achievement... you've touched me here *puts right hand over heart* that way...

and so i write this blog, this particular post, for you... from time to time, i'll post up posts which i know will make you angry or sad, not because i'm doing it on purpose but i know no easy way to tell you what you want to know... we could sit down over a cup of coffee and i still can't find words for all this... i guess i put words into writing better than i speak... i know you will read this, as you've read the rest...i think you have to give me time to learn bb... let me switch out of this mentality that i'm currently so utterly stuck in... i do want to make this happen, because this is a two way thing... and i can see that you're trying so damn hard from your corner...

i'm so sorry to have hurt you... never again...

semper amemus...

nemo nisi mors...

Track OF The Day: Yolanda Adams – Open My Heart (Guidance Mix)

sleeping with, sleeping without

2005-08-26T20:41:00.000+08:00

It's been a helluva week and summore for me while i was in singapore, not too long back... spending time with new friends... getting to know even more new friends... getting a sonic overload from a kick ass nine-piece, all the way from des moines, iowa... and being able to get hard alcohol from 7-11 and drinking it with friends by the road side at 1am in the morning, drinking with people that shouldn't even be drinking because of religious restrictions *chuckles*

and i've been sleeping with five girls so far... three girls in singapore, in the same bed, at the same time and two girls in kl, in the same bed but on different nights... all in the space of one and a half weeks...

oh don't shoot me down just yet, it wasn't sexual in nature... though if it was a few years back, i wouldn't bet my bottom dollar on it being not *laughs* but i wouldn't deny the fact that it does feel good, waking up in a semi-foreign country to a girl001 breathing on the back of my neck and your nose buried in a mess of nice smelling hair that belongs to girl002, three pairs of arms and legs entwined, their curves imprinted on the back and front of my body... brings back some good memories *laughs* girl003 slept with guy002 at the other end of the twinbed... From the looks they gave each other in the morning and the muffled sound of things in the middle of the night, i bet they had some fun exploring *wicked grins*

and so i came back to kl, to share a bed with girl004... after a night out of drinking with the gang, we went home... and we talked and talked, and then she cried... so i listened and consoled... as you can see, nothing could've happened, especially when a girl is sad... uhm okay... no wait, don't answer that :P but seriously, i would've rather slept on the floor than send her out to one of the wolves that was waiting for her...

but i guess nothing beats sleeping with girl005... waking up to hear her soft voice saying hi, to see her looking and smiling at me... you know who you are and you're always welcome to stay *smiles*

Track Of The Day: Zero 7 - Warm Sounds

shouldn't have...

2005-08-21T20:48:00.000+08:00

(illustration- ilovedyouatallthewrongtimes[from e.])

shouldn't have been curious... shouldn't have picked up the mobile... shouldn't have scrolled through the contact list... shouldn't have paused on your number.. shouldn't have press "yes to call"... shouldn't have waited for the ringing tone to connect... shouldn't have said hi when you said hello... shouldn't have kept talking when my heart told me to stop... shouldn't have asked to meet up when you sounded so cold... shouldn't have pushed you for a meet up when you said you can't five times in a row...

shouldn't have have hurt but it does still... shouldn't matter but it did... shouldn't feel crushed but i was... shouldn't... shouldn't... shouldn't...

shouldn't... *sighs*

i do not know where you got this illustration... but the tag is so apt don't you think? you said," i loved you at all the wrong times... "

so did i e., so did i....

schwingapour

2005-08-20T01:08:00.000+08:00

(photography[singapore], photoshop cs)

there's something strangely calming about being in singapore... it's like being near her... knowing that it's the hols in uk and she is back in s'pore... memorising the street she stays... knowing it like the back of my hand because i absent mindedly kept skimming the amk section of streetdirectory... standing in the lobby of pan pac, wondering if i'll be given the cold shoulder if were to suddenly walk around the corner to your house, turning up uninvited... maybe i should call 1st and see what's your reaction... i know i shouldn't, my gut tells me not to... it would turn out bad... but i really want to hear your voice again...

sorry bb. if you're reading this... an 8 year relationship with c. is hard enough to let go... and so is an 8 year of longing for e.

... i hope you understand...

pulse of the maggots

2005-08-18T08:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[fort canning green, s'pore], photoshop cs)

a 5-6 thousand strong maggot corp. communed on top of fort canning park... 1 n 1/2 hours of ear bleeding, gut twisting, maggot stomping, sonic ferocity unequalled by any bands that has step foot onto the soil of the good old rigid, totalitarian schwingapour...

and when they played Purity, my black heart pulsed with joy....

*points up* have you ever seen an uglier bunch of metal heads? *laughs and makes the das hornen sign*

Track Of The Day: Slipknot - Pulse Of The Maggots

lullaby, love...

2005-08-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

(photography[my room], photoshop cs)

it doesn't take too much for someone to make me love them... trust... sincerity... honesty... now those... those are the most important traits...

and most of all, a wilingness to just fuck it all and dive in head first... even when he's covered with nicks and bruises from his previous relationships... a willingness to give it a try, look at risk in the eyes and take the leap of faith... a brave soul to just reach out and grasp his hand, the one that's afraid to love again... to love is to be unabashedly unashamed.. to be bravely rude... to run up, smile and say hi... to be thick skinned enough to sit by his side and strike up a conversation with him when he doesn't want to... to come knocking at the door of his heart and senses when he least think it would... never knew a kid would be brave enough to tackle a big bad wolf... and little red did tamed the beast this time... *smiles*

so this is love...

damien, she might not be anything like the rest were... but she can definitely give me a whole lot more than those before her could...

i see you now damien, i see you and your predicaments with your so-called quality picks, better choices... so my good friend, who won now?

...nothing equals the joy of watching you sleep next to me, your chest rise and fall calmly, your hand grasping mine...

Track Of The Day: A Perfect Circle - Lullaby

insomnia 2

2005-08-11T21:33:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[sound design studio 3], photoshop cs)

...flipping counters and flashing lights... half asleep, half open eyes... tricked out mood swings, missing emotions, sub par weed...

I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet
Make my way to the refrigerator
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me
Greasy, insomnia please release me
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath
Tearing off tights with my teeth
But there's no relief
I'm wide awake in my kitchen
It's dark and I'm lonely
Oh, if I could only get some sleep
Creeky noises make my skin creep
I need to get some sleep
I can't get no sleep....

Track Of The Day: Faithless - Insomnia (Moody Mix)

insomnia I

2005-08-08T17:07:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[sound design studio 3], photoshop cs)

150 programmable audio banks... tying up multiple free banks for: a 4/4 beat loop, a string loop, an organ loop, multi effects loops, a back up vocal from Adora and my attempt at freestyle rap-singing Maxi style in the recording booth...

thanks for the track Sam... it brings back a lot of good memories... late night underground parties... tripping session around the coffee table... and on the sofas, stoned people melted into the lush cushions, bumping shoulders and stealing kisses... while totally high on substance and liquor...

Track Of The Day: Faithless - Insomnia (Monster Mix)

echolalia

2005-08-05T16:48:00.000+08:00

(photography[pen, paper and poetry], photoshop cs)

.Baudelaire.Verlaine.Garcia Lorca.Antonio Machado.Leon Felipe.Roberto Fernandez Retamar.Jorges Luis Borges.Pablo Neruda.Rabindranath Tagore.Czeslaw Milosz.Andre Breton.George Elliot.

the names... poetries from whom i have not read in a long time... i have lost the passion... i have lost the grasp to picture and understand the subtle meanings behind the words... and i have not found someone whom i could easily and willingly share the beauty of alphabets and intonations that forms such emotive letters and paragraphs... and i have not seen someone who could equal her passion with poetry... thus i rather be without, than be with... to be so in pain and alone with it...

i miss how you trace the words with your fingers... how you read them with passion softly, words mingling in a whisper on your breath... how we read them to one another, in hushed tones, while in each other embrace... how our voices, our words overlap and repeat each other... beautiful echolalia...

and we shared a common love for neruda... you penned me our favorite sonnet xvii on a piece of notepad, straight from your memory and slipped it between the clothes you left behind... and that is all that i have left of you...

Love does not claim possession,
but gives freedom.

-Rabindranath Tagore-

I cannot be waiting forever Ling... and like what you've done to me, thus i shall set you free... if you do return, then we shall see...

Track Of The Day: James Blunt - Beautiful

driven into you

2005-07-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

(photography[driving], photoshop cs)

driving far, driving alone... dunno if it matters but your two quarters here misses you one whole and a few more...

Track Of The Day: Jay Chou - Yi Lu Xiang Bei

sweet young thing

2005-07-28T20:48:00.000+08:00

i'm bad at relationships, no really, i am... i'm too frivolous with my feelings, too careless with my heart, i'm too nice to girls to the point that i give a wrong impression... and i take that wrong impression and feed from it like a vampire... that superultraaddictive emotionalsugarhigh from lovelustadoration... maybe i'm born in the wrong country, where a touch like this could totally fly off tangent and mean that... or a hug and kiss could mean more than a hug and kiss... i'm affectionate, i'm physical, i'm touchy-feely... i'm sorry if my hands roam but i like the feel of female skin, curves and warmth on my palms... i like looking into eyes, as like really looking into them and not just a fleeting glance... and if i feel comfortable with you, i sit real close and i bump shoulders and thighs with you... i would even lean in to steal a breath from you or absent-mindedly arc my head and catch a whiff of your scent from your neck and hair... i'm sensual like that...

you could say i messed up an eight year relationship because of the above but i still think that's a 50-50 thing... from a dying relationship, i went into gamble with a promise that we would work things out regardless... unfortunately, i have lost the gamble, been given up, discarded and forgotten... i'm still sore at her for disappearing without a reason... and i'm still waiting for a why... hey you, no matter it takes how long, i still want a why from you...

so lately, a very young SYT felt that i was a good emotional investment and i dived head first into it because i miss the emotional and physical closeness... i could tell her i'm not (a good emotional investment) but she already knows that, she could be considered an old friend... one of those this pedobear has known for quite a few years and she knows me very well indeed... she knows my pre-occupation with a why from e. and she knows i could and most possibly would run to e. if she comes back... so one night, when i shared my bed with her, i did everything to her but i stopped short of doing the full horizontal lambada because i know she's still a girl... wouldn't be fair for me to take when i can't promise a certainty... i wouldn't want to either, it just didn't feel... for a lack of a better word... right... and as big as my lust is, common-sense kicked in at the right time...

an immensely applaudable control of willpower dropkicksuzy said with a pat on my back and a genuinely impressed smile... loads of guys would've just went for it and not look back she added with a as-a-matter of fact look on her face... yea, i said but i just stopped, our breaths and hearts racing against each others bodies... i looked into her eyes and i told her not yet... we can wait right? and she looked at me, smiled with the most trusting look in her eyes and nodded slowly while hugging me... and at that moment, i know i've won her over...

conversation while having a drink with some inkandsteeldemons:

[Damien] you've been with so many hot girls seth and i dare say your taste and quality had dropped a few levels with this one... tak cantik lah beb, biasa aje... what's wrong with the rest of the other girls that you have?

well, i guess being recently 30 really kicked my emotional maturity notch up a few levels... i do not crave for looks like i used to... don't get me wrong, heck i still like looking at beautiful things, i still want to be around them, i still want them all over me and i still crave their company, sometimes... but that's just it... no more, no less... i guess i've grown up? *laughs* she might not be a hot babe or a looker like the rest but i do sincerely like her... y'know if i was really looking for a permanent fixture in my life, i'd definitely get a plain-jane instead of a hot babe... someone totally gwai gwai lui type to contrast the ink and pierced me *grins* ...and maybe i am starting to look for one... [!!!]

[Widya] chinese girl? i thought you don't like chinese... so unlike you lah... u know, kan ada Reena? she likes you... *cheeky smiles*

my time with Reena is over... we both missed the bus and no matter how much we like each other, it's hard to recapture that moment we shared, so that part of my/our life will remain in the past... well again, there's that mis-conception that i like only non-chinese girls... just because i've never dated a chinese girl ever since highschool *roll eyes* i like chinese girls, i really do... it's just that i haven't really found one that i like... but i wouldn't deny the fact that if given two choices, a non-chinese asian would be my pick... providing i like them both equally... i've have had two relationships that could've ended pretty nicely with marriage but it's that age old hurdle of converting that got in the way... oh well, that's in the past...

and by my experience... they're 8 outta 10, have better bodies, are much more fun to be with and definitely better in bed *coughs* yes.. i'm lusty like that... please shoot me :P

i know Irene would kill me for that last statement... hur hur hur!~

[Aleena] she's so young, can she take care of you?

i don't know but one thing i know is that don't want to be looked after... i'm racing around, doing what i'm doing to secure a better future and i don't have time to stop and be fawned over... but i wouldn't mind doting on someone though... i like being the all-protective father figure... the big kor kor... the shoulder... the sometimesfriendsometimeslover... in actual fact i've always doted on all the girls around me... i have too many 'sis'... and most of them are standing in the grey area of a relationship with me because of my too nice attitude... most are quite hot... most are quite single and yes, sometimes i do bloody regret it! *winks and laughs*

[Aleena] she's so young, it's gonna be a hell lot of work you.

regardless of age difference, relationships has always been a helluva rollercoaster ride for two but i guess that what it is... a working towards a definite one goal by two people... a compromise from both sides to make the journey a little better... maybe she's younger and she needs to learn... and i don't mind compromising and teaching...

i guess my main gripe is with her studies, i don't get to see her much and with particularly her unimates, coursemates and the 20,000 co-curicular activites she doing sucking up all of her non-lecture non-tutorial time leaving me with, if i'm lucky, barely a day in a week to see her... and for the love of god, she even has a nutcase, super jealous, bf-less chemlab coursemate-partner who coming between me and her... wtf?! *mutter grumble* SOMEONE GET HER FREAKING PARTNER A DILDO PLEASE!!~

and she's your typical young, flirty and playful girl... it's hard for me to not be jealous... she's my "territory" after all *laughs* she gets a lot of attention but i feel that she deserves to have fun, just like me *winks* hey, a relationship should be fair... everybody should have some flirting fun and if she's interested in someone else, that's all cool by me... just as long as there's a safety line drawn somewhere, that's fine... at least i know she's emotionally healthy and not psychoticly obbsessive, lol!~ :P

but seriously baby, please just slot me in sometimes... your old man here misses you already while writing this! *laughs*

lately after having one-on-one talks with dropkicksuzy, mel, jenny and aleena (yes.. all girls :P) i think i'm willing to do an emotional investment in this SYT... i wouldn't say i'd promise her a lot with the all the uncertainties... but we're taking things rather slowly and it seems to be going in the right direction at the moment... hell, she's got a pretty firm grip on my heart with her sincerity and utmost trust in me... tell me how can i betray that?

Track Of The Day: Air - Cherry Blossom Girl

razorbladelove

2005-07-24T18:43:00.000+08:00

i never liked the searing, burning pain of a paper cutter blade... i sliced across three fingers on my left hand while cutting mounting boards back in art college and it hurt like hell... i pulled the blade across the mounting boards a bit too fast, the damn blade jumped the side and slid across the smooth top surface of the steel ruler... it raced across the hand that was holding down the ruler before i could lift them away from the path of oncoming doom... cutting right through to the bone, three distinct layers - skin, fat and flesh staring at me like a fresh cut of meat at the deli, before a torrent of dark red oozed, no gushed out a few seconds later... i stood rooted and stared... enthralled, in a biological sense, by the stratas of the skin... i mean how often do you get to see all three real life layers? i mean the closest we got was illustrated charts in biology textbooks... i flexed my fingers and they moved, good... i didn't sever any nerves... and off the top of my head, i doubt that there's any important nerves running across the bony top part of the fingers anyways... so there and then, i had to take off my Helmet's "Betty" t-shirt and wrap it around my fingers while my classmates ran around like headless chickens *laughs*

i had people cut me, i had people cut because of me but i've never cut myself... i hate the pain of cutting, not something i can say i would enjoy... i hated the nagging throb, the light headedness and the detached mental-aural feeling where everything is there but it's like you're displaced a few feet away... hence i can never pretend to understand the need of dragging a gillette razor across the wrist... i deal with my problems with ink and piercings... mine is true to that old adage: every piece of ink, every piercing on me is a marker for important/fucked up/happy/sad events in my life... every "whoosh" of the needle through my flesh every and buzz of the tattoo gun on my skin hammers the memories indelibly into my psyche... you need to be pierced with a piercing needle to know that split second wait-rush, that "whooshing" of surgical steel through flesh... none of that stupid sungei wang plastic cap piercing gun shit... you need to be tattooed to know that soothing, hypnotic buzz of the tattoo gun and the high from the slow release of endorphins after the ink settles...

so when i found out a friend of mine did a razorbladelove, i felt somewhat surprised and sad... i should've seen it coming and i should've trusted my gut feelings that told me you're crashing... the "i'm happy"s didn't sound too genuine... the "i'm okay"s snagged at the back of your throat for a split second before coming out of your mouth... and at one point during our chat over the phone, i caught her sobbing once but she quickly sugar-glazed over it with a laugh... warning bells were ringing but still our chat ended rather hastily because my phone battery died on me... i got home, texted you good night and slept on it... we were lucky to have friends that look out for you and know that you're riding that downward spiral... and they got to you in time...

this girl, I like her… but i like her not in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way… but from me to her, a very strong brother-sister-kindred spirit way... i am compelled to care what happens to her and get worried when it does... and she has tons of people that cares for her, especially him. So you sillybear, never doubt him…

babe, don't you do dare a razorbledelove again, ever... don't be selfish and deprive me of a beautiful little sister like you... *smiles and hugs tight*

Track Of The Day: Slipknot - Purity

tongues

2005-07-21T15:30:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[friends and tongues], illustrator cs, photoshop cs)

you've never forgotten my birthday before...

Track Of The Day: Air - Alone In Kyoto

9spaces: bday/mel+me/ happyshinyppl

2005-07-19T16:25:00.000+08:00

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[group shots] (drunk happy shiny people)
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[couple shots] (drunk happy shiny couples)
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[cake shot] (jinx sez , "it's wedding cake cutting session" O___o WTF!)
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(digital photography[decanters, hartamas+work, sec 17], photoshop cs)

i share the same birthday with four other friends... so much for being unique, bleh :D though i think it would be total chaos if all four of us manage to get off our asses and hook up a full blown four way birthday party... hrmmm, mebbe next year aye? *ponders*

well, two out of four is still cool... happy bday mel... and oh, myself too :P (and not forgetting... chen-chen + Chong Yew)

Track Of The Day: R.E.M. - Happy Shiny People

friends in 9spaces: lunch/lili

2005-07-18T13:56:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[italiani's, 1U], photoshop cs)

a long wine filled lunch break with an old friend

Track Of The Day: Ludvig and Stelar - Signal (Ambient Mix)

my weirdest bday present ever

2005-07-17T23:48:00.000+08:00

(digital photography, photoshop cs)

"well, thanks for the ride home...", she flashed me a million dollar smile.

"naw, no problem... i'm headed this way anyways", i checked my fuel tank and made a mental note that i might not have enough petrol to get home... damn... gotta find a petrol station quick....

she gave me a light nudge and laughed, "oei, you're headed this way? bangi? since when bah? i don't think so, you've like overshot puchong by like 20km or so..."

"well okay, i was being corteous... i don't think is safe for me to dump my friend who's a new girl in town at the LRT station... anyways, where's my bday present?", i extended my hand and gave her a cheeky grin.

she frowned and laughed, "OHHH, yau yum mau keh!!!~ kan chan!!!~ I got nothing for you bah", she made a sad face,"I'm but a lowly student, with a minimal loan wor... ngor hou charm ka..."

"it's fine silly dear... i was just teasing... ", i playfully ruffled her hair.

"hrmmm... oh nonono... this is your 30th bday after all yes? let's see what i have in here... ", she rummaged through her bag and her eyes lit up, "uhm, you want a pencil?"

i whacked the back of her head playfully, "gee, thanks for reminding me. and no... no thanks, i got loads of pencils at home dear..."

"uhmmm, how bout an eraser? a stabilo highlighter? a ruler?", she waved all of it in front of my face.

"OMGWTF!!~ uh, no... no... and no...", i laughed and pushed the things back to her.

she grinned, "uhmmm, doubt you'll have much use for my biology, chemistry and enviro science notes either... OH!, how bout this then?", she waved a bunch of photos and gave me a cheeky smile.

"aiks? your uni photos? hmmmm, why not? i like photos...", i nodded agreeingly.

"wokayyy... didn't think you would want it... hmmm... ", she flipped through and chosed a 5X7 out of the stack and penned down something on the back before passing it to me.

"wow.. gee thanks...", i looked at the picture and flipped it over to read the message she wrote, "actually hor, this is the weirdest bday pressie i've ever got so far... heheh."

"i know you want it... don't lie! you're my paedophilestalkerbear! ", she nudged my side and stucked her tongue out, "well thanks for the ride home!~ see ya when i see ya m'kay!~"

she hopped out of the car, winked and waved her hand frantically at me to go quick, "the guards are looking and they're coming!~ go go go!!~"

i nodded, waving the picture she gave and smiled at her before driving off...

Track Of The Day: Crystal Kay - As It Began

press of a button

2005-07-15T11:48:00.000+08:00

(lomography[pedestrian crossing], photoshop cs)

it's just one of those strange, solitary fridays that i don't feel like venturing into a crowd of beautiful strangers... so i kick back with my first cigg of the day in my mouth and a cold brew in my hand... put arai akino on loop on the mp3 player... fire up photoshop cs... rummaged through my folder of a billion snapshots and notepad doodlings i've collected over the years to come up with something...

it's always so easy to miss the one that's next to you... the one that's holding you up... holding your hands... lifting your spirits... urging you on... when you're chasing for the ever elusive... just don't look back to find them gone... and find that what you actually want is that person that was next to you all along...

hey you, the lights won't stay red forever y'know and she has already crossed to the other side of the road... and she's looking back, with her arms outstretched... waiting for you to join her...

oh fuck this, maybe i'll go out for a beer after all... i need some eye candy... my arms needs a female body and my soul needs some physical contact of the non sexual but sensual type with the opposite sex...

time to go collect the fourtwentyheroes... have a good weekend all... frost out...

Track Of The Day: Arai Akino -Tsuke no Ie (Outlaw Star, 2nd ending)

happy birthday xiao b.

2005-07-13T00:18:00.000+08:00

roadtrip: melbourne

2005-07-12T13:32:00.000+08:00

(lomography[outskirts of melbourne], photoshop cs)

bodies and faces pressed against each other... genuine laughters and semi cold fosters in hand... driving with the top down in our rented holden barina cabrio... the sun's heat hammering on our squinty eyed faces... hugging the rolling roads of yarra valley on the outskirts of melbourne... so this is what it's like... running away to new places with new faces...

somewhat, somehow, something still feels missing... lost... incomplete... because memories of you are still ghosting me in the shadows...

Track Of The Day: Billy Talent - Try Honesty

and he says: silence tells a cruel lie

2005-07-08T08:48:00.000+08:00

this room fills my imaginary vision full of wonderful cravings. has the want of the populous render me impaitent in chasing after you? have i now resort to blaming others instead of myself for this predicament? i wish i could say, but my cowardice-modesty prevents me the act of savouring our then growing lovelustdesire...

truthfully, in entertaining these tumultic thoughts of mine, the core essence of my sins stems deep in the acknowledgement of only one mortal soul. to look in her direction, deep into her eyes triggers the virus that eats at my longing heart, but it pains me much to be so stilled and frozen in my own fear-filled world...

would you consider being a part of my life? would i want you to be? oh, for all that is to be desired and longed for, i do. until secretly, a play of constructed reality plays joyfully in my mind, on loop. how blissful it is to hold the rains and control my mind's storms, a wish for her to walk down the parted sun-filled path i have designed, straight into my life...

sadly, as i write this, the realization to act upon making my dreams a reality has surpassed it's sell-by-date. i guess i backed my time too cautiously at the risk of tearing my curiosity and amazement of you apart. i held my peace too long that war now stands at my side and holds firm my heart. the battle is my own, for you have chosen to exclude me in your life. though i still wait by your life's entrance, the door has already closed and bolted from within. can i be forgiven for hoping? for wanting to be sure of you? for wanting you? no, i chose to doubt you, and play around you like butterflies would around wild blooms. so these are my own machinations... my own self-punishment; to care so deeply for you that prophecies plague me, both in my dreams and my wake...

love thy self-inflicted pain, embrace thy own paranoia, have thee not learnt that silence tells a cruel lie?

what's your story, hunnybunny?

2005-07-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

i hate sitting here, not being able to do anything, staring at the CNN coverage of the London bomb blasts. i hate this incommunicado even more now because i really want to know how you're doing, were you on your way to somewhere and if you're okay admist the turmoil that's is now london...

i hate it because i worry when people say i shouldn't anymore... and i hate it because i still care...

goddamnit, please email me... sms me... just a "i'm fine... don't worry...", just to say you're okay and you can forever keep your silence after... this is all i ask of you...

please e. ...

turn away

2005-07-06T15:08:00.000+08:00

(photography[dropkicksuzy], creased cardboard[scanned], photoshop cs, illustrator cs)

daydreaming, watching dropkicksuzy play air guitar in her white cami and torn light blue levis, jumping up and down on the bed... i crank up QOTSA, hitting the high 20s on the volume hi fi dail... the monotonous, sludgy drone of stoner/robot rock riffs and the melancholic whine of Josh Homme's voice pleads:

It's the cruelest joke to play
I'm so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so

I keep on playin our favorite song
I turn it up while you're gone
It's all I got when you're in my head and you're in my head so I need it

You're the only thing I've got that I can't seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so

Hurry up & wait forever
Hurry up & wait for forever

-still waiting-

Track Of The Day: Queens Of The Stone Age - In My Head

friends in 9spaces:carol/kenangan

2005-07-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

(lomography[carol], photoshop cs)

hanya gambarmu sahaja yang tinggal sebagai kenangan...

Track Of The Day: Ferhad - Pernah

relaxation is the color blue

2005-07-02T01:29:00.000+08:00

(photography[office skylight, clouds, sea], photoshop cs)

relaxation is the color blue,
like the skies,
like the clouds,
is like spending time with you.

like flowing feelings,
like running emotions,
reflected on moving surfaces,
like the seas,
like the sands,
together,
like forever summer,
timeless, warm and calm,
momentarily,
everything is the color blue.

that is what i share,
on a breeze,
the thought of swimming,
in the blue sea,
under the blue skies,
only with you.

i have to lay off the chronic while listening to chillout cafe del mar cds... been having some vibrant and lucid waking dreams about gliding through ibiza's warm summer seas with hot nubile spaniard women... not that it's a bad thing mind you, heheh...

well too bad reality sinks in the moment the chronic hit dips and the cd ends... *long sighs*

Track Of The Day: Digby Jones - Under The Sea

friends in 9spaces: lunch/mel/healing time

2005-07-01T16:49:00.000+08:00

(photography[vietnam kitchen, 1U], photoshop cs)

even i must admit, some things definitely heal better than drugs...

and all you really need is a combo of: someone you adore... a wonderful slow paced lunch-break... and a smoking-chatting session on the balcony... just to momentarily stop and knock back a few feet from this ever widening gap between you and me...

we should do this again very soon mel...

i sure as hell miss talking and hanging out with you constantly like i used to...

Track Of The Day: Suede - Heroine

redletterday

2005-06-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

>
(lomography[carol], letter from carol, photoshop cs)

it happened a few months back but at least i can talk to you about it now without breaking up into a million pieces inside...

twas a fucking red letter day for me... a letter from you with words i don't want to see...

"engaged..."

"marriage..."

"i'm sorry..."

"goodbye..."

Track Of The Day: SI*SE - Slip Away

ioline

2005-06-28T16:44:00.000+08:00

(photography[skies over south china sea on the way to vietnam], photoshop cs)

-old words, new meaning-
------------------------------------------------------------------
ioline, running free,
bright yellow sun,
candied coloured skies,
i float,
i float,
into your arms,
i float,
blindfolded by these words you utter,
calmed by your heartbeat's stutter.

ioline, endless roads,
white cotton clouds,
candied coloured skies,
i float,
i float,
confused,
blinded,
breathless,
blissfully happy,
with this love you offer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
-thank you-

(words circa 2003, image composition june 2005)

Track Of The Day: Faithless - Miss You Less, See You More

i like the scars

2005-06-27T12:34:00.000+08:00

i like the scars you left on my back when i first took you into my bed.

"it could hurt", i said and you smiled and told me you would hurt me back if it did...

i do not pretend that i remember them when you were still around. these light, raised lines across my back, for they were so much a part of me... the outline of the emotional wings of a tired and forsaken but still fighting emoboy... but now after you're gone, i reach back and touch them absent-mindedly without fail...

it's been 10 years... the distinct keloids are almost gone, the lighter colors have faded into my skin tone, my finger pads brush on almost smoothed out skin instead of those imperfect knots and valleys that i've grown so used to... almost gone... everything... just like you...

soon... i pray that your engagement and wedding day to v. comes soon... so i can bring myself to forget and learn to let you go...

but osong... i like these scars, just like you like the ones i gave you...

for all that's worth, i wish they would never go away. i wish they would never heal... so i can have you with me forever...

doi noh koh noh koginavaan

Track Of The Day: Dewa - Satu

loop and loop

2005-06-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

(photography[office, audio studio]. photoshop cs)

sundays are the days where the silence is the loudest...

Track Of The Day: Asian Kung Fu Generation - Loop and Loop

pedobear

2005-06-25T03:31:00.000+08:00

"ain't she a bit young? younger that the whole lot so far. gosh you're such a bloody paedo!~", dropkicksuzy grinned at me from behind the rim of beer can. i can hear her soft chuckles amplified by the half empty can.

twiddling the cigarette between my fingers, i shook my head before turning to look at dropkicksuzy in the eyes, "she's a go getter, what can i say... she caught me by the neck and took me down like a judo queen and did a arm lock on my heart..."

she laughed before saying, "ouch, that sounds brutally painful. how old is she?", a baritone female voice courtesy of speaking down a tin can boomed at me from my side.

"oh.. about ten years younger i guess?"

she nodded slowly, "hrm, off the top of my head filled with useless information, that's a pretty good match... oxen and rabbits.. congratulations! though if i remember correctly... you-know-who is a piggy right? that's your best combo y'know ", she added with a trademark dropkicksuzy squinty smile.

"yea... she's a piggy... a missing-in-action one at that", i threw her a crooked smile and she looked away. "anyways this kid and me.. we're going at this like two porcupines.. ehm.. going at it... aka carefully. so lets just sit back, enjoy the ride, take it easy and see where we go okay?", i stubbed the cigarette out on the kerb before tossing it into the gutter.

i looked up and got an eyeful of boobies right in my face, courtesy of dropkicksuzy standing up. i admired the view for a few more seconds before standing up myself.

she threw the can on the road and stomped on it before proceeding to pick it up and tossing it into the bin, "well.. take it slow and easy is the best. if you can't be lovers.. i bet you both would make heckuva good friends... though seriously, she sounds like she's worth all the trouble from all you've told me. imagine a teenager doing something that i wouldn't have the guts to do. kudos to her i guess."

"okiedokie, beer and cigarette session has come to an end", she looked at her watch and mumbled, "damn... it's THAT late? well, lets go home pedobear", she threw me a grin and a wink.

i look puzzled, "pedobear?"

"yes you.. you're now officially mr.pedobear. lets hope they don't get younger as you grow older m'kay", she laughed as I sighed and stumbled, being pulled along by her towards her car.

Track Of The Day: NERD - She Wants To Move [her pick]

and she asked: how 2b pretty?

2005-06-23T12:33:00.000+08:00

a message from shiori popped up on my screen a while back, "how 2b pretty sethy?"

I was taken aback. shiori wouldn't strike me as the person to ask such a question, her confidence is a tad short of overwhelming. for in my mind, shiori is as pretty as a dolled up school girl in a shibuya arcade in all her pre-20 five feet two glory. with her straight long sparsely tinted hair, chunky framed tinted specs and a slight ganguro tint on her skin. she could look all the lian that she is on a bad day but rarely it is so because without fail, almost everyday has been a good day to her.

what makes a pretty girl ask how to be prettier?

"him again?", i asked her. she said no, yes then maybe. i nodded a reply to her.

and to you that broke her, do not let such a trivial thing be a make-or-break gauge to your relationship. do not let something skin deep, as cliched as it may sound, break something good. take this friendly advice. eventhough i feel like driving halfway across the state now just to punch you in the face. do not walk the same path that i am walking. do not play the ego-game, do not feint nochalance, do not pretend that you don't when in actual fact you do... because you have once told me before that she means the world to you...

because if you do play this game, you will lose, just like me...

Track Of The Day: Thievery Corp. - Heaven's Gonna Burn Your Eyes Out

if we have never met...

2005-06-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

she once said, if i never answered that question you asked a lifetime ago, we would never have known each other...

this internet thing. without it, i might not have even known you at all. two separate beings, thousands of miles apart, in two totally different countries. in actual fact, we would have never met and we would have continued our lives pretty much oblivious to each other's existence. and even if we did live in the same place and time, i'm pretty sure we would have gone through our lives without ever hooking up. we could have bumped into each other on the streets and not bat an eyelid. we could have lined up behind one another in a bus queue. maybe i would have seen your face pass by, framed by a window of a moving bus. our eyes could have even lingered for a few seconds too long on each other's face, checking out and maybe thinking how pretty/good looking the other person is, but that's it. we would have never walked up to each other to say hi, maybe an absent-minded smile would be exchanged between us and tomorrow, everything will be forgotten.

and she said, like two ships in the night, never meeting but always passing by. you and i. but we might meet again. in another lifetime. when all the questions have been answered, and there is nothing searching and seeking in me. when you have answered all your questions and searched and sought for them in your journeys to the moon and then back. then, maybe, perhaps, we might meet again. when there is nothing more. when the world melts away and we are but the sum of ourselves... we can take ourselves back to the start, say hi and begin all over again...

i once said, if i never said hi to you online a lifetime ago, we would never have known each other... and in reality i'm glad i did, cos' up till now, i have never regretted it one bit...

Track Of The Day: Dirty Vegas - Days Go By (acoustic version)

the circle is never fair

2005-06-21T12:59:00.000+08:00

"i want you, regardless... of all your "missing e." moments... regardless of all your emo-depression-maniac moments when it strikes you..."

you cannot imagine how stunned i was as i sat there staring at this sentence that flashed across my screen. my fingers hovered momentarily a few inches above the keyboard, my mind racing scenarios for a reply to her confession.

then slowly i lowered my hands and a rhythmic tapping on the keyboard spelled out my reply, "would it be fair to you? to actually want someone that so stubborn, someone that refuses to budge from this limbo that he put himself into? y'know, i'd like to be with you, you know that... but i'm afraid i cannot devote one hundred percent of my whole being to you... i could give you fifty percent, maybe eighty but that's all that i can bring myself to let go from me. and that is unfortunately the truth... no matter how unfair it is..."

"when was love fair sethy? y'know, i'm not trying to be mean or anything but for all your pining for her here, have you stopped to think that she could already be with someone else? And yet you still wait and wait and wait... i'm sorry, who am i to criticise her, let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we...", she paused for a few seconds before adding,"... for all that i know, i may not get you and if i do, there's nothing i can do to stop you from going back to her when... if... she calls for you in the future..."

and thus she splashed across the screen what that has been lodged in my mind for so long...

"i know... understand... that you gave up something solid, something that could be almost forever. something that's eight freaking years to gamble on something that's so beautifully ethereal and so wonderfully unreal at that current moment in time. so what now when it shatters and breaks, and everything comes falling apart? what you had, you lost... what you longed after, disappeared. that doesn't mean you have to lock yourself in and wait right? i do not pretend to understand the bond that you once had with e. i also do not doubt the strength that which you loved each other. and sadly i do not think it has disappeared for good... because she has not said anything negative to you yet, correct? but seriously sethy... if you ever find that you need someone, i will be always be here, outside this circle that you've drawn and confined yourself into..."

and with that said, she logged off.

Track Of The Day: Keane - Bend and Break

friends in 9spaces: jenny/strobe

2005-06-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

(photography[MMA2005], jenny, photoshop cs)

say hello to my audio-video producer...

Track Of The Day: Misia - Everything[her pick]

self in 9spaces: wannabesuperstarDJ

2005-06-18T20:13:00.000+08:00

(photography[MMA2005], photoshop cs)

hey Sam, lookatme!!!~ i'm a DJ just like you!!!~ :D

bah, who am i kidding... a crash course, a Pioneer CDJ 100S, a SCLAT Ecler Professional Modular Mixing Console, some no name programmable precussion pads does not make me a DJ, ever... lol. but i had a night of practice... so now i can spin 4/4 technos and some house beats, timing my programmed precussions and do a pretty good cross fade-mix now... whooo, i bet some ah beng discotechque would hire me, no shit... hahahaha!~

well, i'm still waiting to see you spin babe... can get me an invite into *cough* s'pore when i'm down pleaseplease? so i can hang out with ya up in the DJ/lighting console booth, where the view of dancefloor is helluva good *winks*

Track Of The Day: Faithless - God is a DJ

getting the hits

2005-06-17T09:56:00.000+08:00

(lomography[old flats], photoshop cs)

it's funny, i never knew fourtwenty was one of the drug of choices among the cheenas of the cheenas(read: ah bengs) until another 4-20 hero said he could get "stock" from way deep in the chinese heartland of 6pm serial dramas, taiwanese tearjerkers, wanton cantonese swearing and modded proton sagas(read: kepong) i've always figured them to be the chem chronics, that's association by familiarity anyways...

so as we wander down the hallways of this dilapidated pre-70s walk up flat, looking for an seedy character named ah keong, with tattoos straight out of a hongkong gangster flick in block 3 unit 5a. it feels so surreal. behind these doors emblazoned with red chinese paper symbols and plastic lanterns dangling way past CNY, i can pick out mahjong games in sessions, loud raucous banters and cantonese serial dramas on astro... and all this, way past midnight.

we found the flat and rang the bell. ah keong was shorter than i thought he would be, about five feet five, shirtless, tattoed and the golden dyed-bleached to hell hair. i looked pass behind him on the sofa, lay a few guys and girls with equally blinding hair colors as well. my eyes caught some girls looking back at us. not bad, but too bad they're lians.

we talked, then money and chronic was exchanged. we complimented each others on our tattoos and piercings. and before we walked away, true to the pusher's credo... he tried to sell us some chems.

"we don't do chems", i said in cantonese, "we're surfers.. not trippers"

he nodded, and smiled.

Track Of The Day: Verve - The Drugs Don't Work

friends in 9spaces: dinner/tbg/fighting for...

2005-06-16T09:26:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[chilli's 1U], tbg, me, photoshop cs)

good conversation and company over a few good drinks... thank you tbg for your wonderful company...

Track Of The Day: Oasis - Cigarettes and Alcohol

crossfade

2005-06-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

(photog[langkawi], rocking chair[stock photo] photoshop cs, illus cs)

Track Of The Day: Crossfade - Cold

circle wall chasm separation

2005-06-14T02:39:00.000+08:00

it's funny how small my big circle of singapore friends is. as i recollect back, i know a female bassist/designer... who knows a music activist (can i call her that?)... who knows a female dj/lighting tech at a famous disco... who knows a female gig photographer... who in turn knows another few female person that i also know, and lo and behold... they know e. as well...

and it's funny reading their blog/phlog/multiply/etc. and finding out that e. drops a message here and there from time to time, stalking behind those words on the other side of mine. and i drop my own comments here and there as well. we are always out of sync... never in the same comment box, never replying to the same entries and she careful to not run into me in this virtual circle of friends, circumventing the invisible circle. seeing her replies, reading them, its funny how a few words that she writes can break the iron man in me easily. and for all that's worth, that makes me feel fucked up knowing she's just right over there, just beyond the horizon, right there behind the few common friends we both share. just slightly out of reach and slightly out of sub atomic sync vibration with my longing molecules... so thus, i appear to not exist to her and her, to me...

so is my sacrificing 8 years all for naught? tell me that i sacrificed an 8 year relationship for something and not this nothing that sits in the place where once i had love. is my pining for you so wrong? do lovers not pine for the empty space, the gap between their arms where a body once rested to be filled once again? did your heart not beat in time, next to mine when we lay like 6 and 9, like two perfect inverted commas, with our hands in each others grasp? was there no supernova heatwave emissions when you reached out to eagerly press my body on yours against the wall in that dark hallway? was there no electriclovearcs when we locked lips earnestly? do you forever refuse this heart-throne-crown-nation that you once love-sat-wore-ruled and suddenly refused so hastily? is my melodramatic emo pleas so overbearing? that you see fit to just keep me in this yesnomaybe limbo to suffer? tell me something, anything... anything is better than this brutal nothing...

All the subtle flavours of my life have become
Bitter seeds and poisoned leaves without you
You represent what's true
I drain the colour from the sky
And turn blue without you

These arms lack a purpose
Flapping like a humming bird
I'm nervous cuts
I'm the left eye, you're the right
Would it not be madness to fight
We come one

In you the song which rights my wrongs
In you the fullness of living
The power to begin again
From right now
In you, in you, in you...

We come one
We come one
We come one

I'm unafraid
Never never scared
Worries washed, pressed air
I'm the left eye, you're the right
Would it not be madness to fight?

We come one
We come
One

Track Of The Day: Faithless - We Come One

mer de noms: tasha

2005-06-13T22:00:00.000+08:00

Recollecting Tasha...

Natasha Binti Mohamed Irwan Abdullah could be considered the first malay girl that I was totally smitten with. For the next two year, she would be the girl that sat in front of me in class. On the first day of secondary one, everybody had to do the stand up and introduce yourself speech. So I looked on as everybody did their introductions and tried really hard to remember the names to match their faces. Then it was Tasha's turn to introduce herself. She did this perky hop and smile before introducing herself and that got the whole class laughing, including the teacher. Needless to say, she made a very good first impression with her personality. My turn came next and Tasha turned around in her seat, propped her chin on her forearm, on the back rest of the chair and looked at me with the prettiest of light brown eyes this young chinese boy has ever seen, ever. It was Instant attraction and I paused for a split second, she smiled at me and at that current point in time, if she asked for it, I would've gladly gave a piece of my heart to her there and then...

Coming from a national ed school, malay girls were nothing new to me. I've never put much thought into them... because they are, well, icky girls as well. Just like the chinese girls. And now in high school, girls were still somewhat icky but I'm starting to see them in a new light ever since the Ling incident. Malay girls to me were like something you always knew is there but you never gave much notice to them. And when I did notice Tasha, it went kablam right in my cheena face with the force of a knockout punch from a heavyweight boxer. Here she was, all packed into a 5-feet tall dynamite cutie... her chocolate milk skin tone... her big, light brown eyes... her naturally long, beautiful eyelashes... her wavy, long hair... her absolutely overwhelming in a exhilarating way spunk and positive energy... and most of all, I adore that half laugh-smile that she makes... that particular one that make her eye go all squinty and she would be covering her mouth with her hands and kick her feet in joy....

And she did put all this energy into good use. She was in the school team for netball and she played hockey on the side was well. I still remember seeing her for the first time in class, wearing that white polo top and white skirt. She made my heart and those of the other guys in the class skipped a few million beats that day and I think that sly girl knew it. I for one, was never much of a sports person. I did do volleyball for the school though I'm usually the unofficial bench warmer/occasional ball setter. I didn't complain. More time for my books and sketching I guess, since technically I was more a geek than a jock anyways. So I spent most of my time sketching back then, and sketch well I did. I wasn't good at drawing people so I would be sketching mostly the sceneries. And even if I did attempt to draw people, they would just be quick strokes. We did most of our school training in the late evening or during the weekends. And so during our between training breaks, Tasha would come look for me and we would chat a bit or eat/drink together. She absolutely adored my sketches and most of time, she would look around, searching before pointing out things for me to sketch. So she would be there, waiting patiently next to me, leaning with her face oh-so-close next to my ears. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my cheeks. I could smell the shampoo that she uses. All those things that made my heart race a little bit faster. When it's done, I would show it to her. And her reaction would range from awe, with her mouth wide open... to her adorable laugh-smile... and to a comical sticking her tongue out action if it's lousy. In actual fact, her reactions matters not to me, for I would gladly draw anything for her if she stays a little bit longer next to me...

So it was during the year end for secondary two when she suddenly announced to the class that she's moving state. You see, her father was goverment officer, the transfer offered a better pay check and perks. So naturally he took it. I took the news calmly, though I felt like a sun has just went supernova in my body. My relationship with her was pretty much in a gray area. That alwaysfriends and occasionallovers gray zone that I have such a knack for, right up until now. I do not blame her, nor do I blame myself. For our feelings were never spoken and love was never exchanged. In actual fact, her over-friendliness with me could just be that because she is a very friendly girl by nature. I could be wrong because she's friendlier to me than others, or so I feel. So we exchanged numbers and mailing addresses and promised to keep in touch and sealed it with a quick hug. But unfortunately like all young people with equally young and inexperienced hearts, what is undying devotion, what is "rindu" and what is "sayang", when things changes... comes and goes in our lives quicker than we can cope with. So we lost touch after a little less than a year or so, the consistent letters became sporadic and it stopped coming a little before SRP examinations.

So this is for Tasha, recollecting you... the first malay girl that stole my heart...

Track Of The Day: Headwind - Suraya

friends in 9spaces: mel/soup to heal the heart

2005-06-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[office bistro], mel, me, photoshop cs)

and she looked at me and said, "you look like you need some of my soup to heal your heart"

and i smiled, nodded slowly and said yes please...

there's definitely nothing better than a homecook meal. and there's most definitely nothing better than a friend who would make you breakfast, lunch, dinner and now soup just to heal your heart...

thank you mel, i adore you... you're such a sweetheart...

Track Of The Day: Aimee Mann & Micheal Penn - Two Of Us

this is for two

2005-06-10T14:47:00.000+08:00

i brushed away the strands of hair falling across your forehead and hooked them behind your left ear... ran my coarse fingerpads across your silky smooth hairline, straightening out the awkward ones... and you just sat there... quietly... still... and let me do it... you didn't flinch, didn't dodge... you just let me...

i told you to get some rest because you work too damn hard and you look so bloody tired... you looked at me squarely in the eyes, nodded earnestly and smiled radiantly with your superultraemotive brown eyes... i told you let's drop everything, let's go on a holiday... let's go back to your new zealand... let's stay in that dilapidated apartment above the grocery store run by that old maori couple down by the bay... you can be the cashier and i can be the delivery boy... we can have triple scoop vanilla ice creams with hot choc sauce, warm fizz-less root beers and hot dogs with sauerkrauts by the pier everyday...

you say you'd love to and made me promise to take you back when i made my big money... i said it would be my pleasure... i wouldn't have it any other way... and you did your makemeweak look away smile again...

unfortunately you shot me in the heart later when you suddenly talked about all those other guys who are interested in you... told me what they did for you... told me how highly you thought of them...

what is going through your head moccagirl... what do you want from me... cos' seriously, you confuse me so damn much...

Track Of The Day: Deftones - Mascara

gradually then suddenly

2005-06-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

4 souls, prozac nation, dark room, glowing tv, watching the ultra hot emogothpessimist christina ricci falling into complete and utter confusion-depression. And stuck in my mind, a line quoted from Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" from the movie...

"gradually... then suddenly"

gradually for eight years... suddenly for a few days... depression is what the movie deals with... falling in love, that's what it is in my case...

bloody fucking melancholia sucks. stuck in a doorless, windowless room with a4 print outs, polaroids and photos of you double sided taped on the grungy, water-damaged, mossy walls is so goddamn unhealthy... a single yellow light bulb swings over head, casting long shadows rhythmically in all directions... i sat down, cros-legged, side by side with hendrix, morrison and che, lit up a ten feet long fourtwenty "captain caveman"... we sat and laughed, watching flowers bloom and die off from the fluffy white clouds that came out of our mouths and noses... we floated up into the ceiling, the roof opened up into a purple-red sky and the whole room morphed into a winged yellow submarine, flying us all the way to uk... and along the way, we dodged multicolored lighting bolts flying at us out of multicolored clouds... we picked you up and proceeded to climb high into the skies, passing demons and goddesses engaging in earth shattering, lightning generating bizzare sexual acts... we kept flying upwards until we reached and touched the surface of glowing hot stars... we stopped to roast marshmallows side by side with flaming moon men in antique diving suits, and their mechanical rabbit pets with eyes that shoot honey sweet rainbow love... we then nose dived into the aqua colored sea, breaking the surface like glass as we hit it... we were ejected from the submarine, sank hand in hand and i made love to you a million times underwater outside the viewing ports as they cheered us on with psychedelic light shows... we slowly sink into the deep dark abyss, surrounded and pushed together by millions of stinging jelly-fishes, giving us erotic electric shocks... we floated down like twins on a ultra slow uterus ejection ride, cojoined at the hips and the lips... and we sang, sinking still, amongst a thousand pods of singing whales with naked humanoid sirens riding on their smooth black backs...

fourtwenty isn't a cure all, it's far from it when you "wake" up sober once the high leaves... but it gives us breathing space... and we can all dream again...

Track Of The Day: Bjork feat. Tricky - Enjoy

mona lisa overdrive

2005-06-08T10:18:00.000+08:00

(photography[by the pool], photoshop cs)

this be a fine line to thread and balance on, my dear... this thing that you unwittingly made, and i willingly accept...

i miss your suffocating love...

Track Of The Day: Tricky - Suffocated Love

don't be nice to girls

2005-06-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

"y'know... you're too nice sethy, do not be too nice to girls..."

She said between cigarette puffs. The matter-of-fact look on her face told me she wasn't joking. I swirled the coffee around in my paper cup and looked up.

"What do you mean?", I asked, furrowing my brows. I asked even when I knew what she was talking about. I looked down quickly when I caught her eyes looking at me. There's a storm brewing in the coffee cup and I can imagine myself swirling on a miniature paper boat in the black brown sugarless vortex.

"Well you're just too nice. You know I LIKED you... heck I still do to a certain extent. That's why I have these walls around me when I'm hanging out with you... I know you know..."

She took another long drag on the cigarette, making it glow angry red, before stubbing it out slowly on the sole of her sneakers.

"You're waiting for her right?", she sighed, a hint of friendly concern echoed off her voice.

"I don't know", I told her a nanosecond later, " I really don't know what I want... I met so many wonderful girls in between this yesnomaybe limbo and the break-up... can I say I'm spoilt for choice? And that's providing if they feel the same way for me, like what I feel for them... but I still wanna give me and e. a go, regardless."

"8 years wait Sethy, I don't blame you... I would wanna give it a go to if we've both waited that long... ", her gaze fixed on an imaginary point in the distance.

After a moment of silence, she suddenly laughed. Her hands absent-mindedly reaching for and lighting another ciggie, "You're just like your uncle, Seth... Mr. Accidental Nice Guy, that's what we would call him... part buaya, part gentleman. When I used to work for him with the rest of the other girls, not one of us didn't have at least a little feeling for him. And you're just like him in so so many gentlemanly good but emotionally bad ways. Sometimes... just sometimes, to balance all your heart-breaking goodness out... just be an asshole... be a creep... be a stereotypical MCP... be predictable, typical. Don't throw the poor girls off guard please. Maybe things would work out better for you and all those girls that ebb and flow in and out of your life."

"Yeah... I'll think about that... doubt I can make it though. I'm pre-wired to be extra nice to girls", I laughed out loud, before shoulder bumping her and throwing a cheeky glance in her direction. She frowned, smirked and shook her head.

"Just like your uncle, Sethy... so much like your uncle... I wonder how is his girls collection in Jakarta", she grinned, "Maybe you should join him. It's a guiltless hunting ground for guys down there from what I heard. The rest of the fellas are having a ball, I don't seem to understand why you refuse to join them there. You'll definitely be a heart breaker and they don't play for keeps in jakarta, so you don't have to worry about treading carefully", she playfully leaned against me.

We finished up our last cigarette ( smoking one whole box between the both of us), drinking up our last drop of 7 cups of sugarless coffee and 3 sticks of chewing gum before taking a slow, silent drive home.

Track Of The Day: Lain - Duvet [her pick]

mapping out the almost impossible

2005-06-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

Twenty thousand feet above the ground, my chaotic thoughts skipped carelessly across the skies along with the aircraft on angry gray clouds. My hands reach out and flipped open a map book, scanned the South East London section and picked out Searles Road... I wonder where exactly you're staying? which house? which floor? which window? Or should I just stake out the whole immediate area when I'm there, passing out "Looking For.." flyers and pasting up "Missing Persons" posters all along the street?

That's providing you haven't moved in the last 6 months since I've seen or spoken to you... Chasing I can manage... but chasing a ghost, I don't know how long I can keep this up before I break...

Track Of The Day: Van Hunt - Down Here In Hell (With You)

friends in 9spaces: lunch/reta/amber

2005-06-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

(digital photography[just thai, 1U], reta, me, photoshop cs)

good conversation and company over lunch... thank you reta for your wonderful company...

Track Of The Day: 311- Amber

mer de noms: ling

2005-06-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

Recollecting Ling...

I met Ling the year I stopped shifting school for good. I was in primary six then. I was one of those kids that sat in the corner, way in the back, shooting rubberbands and folded V-shaped paper at the back of other classmates' heads. She was the girl that sat in back, in the other corner of room. I never spoke to her much in the beginning. I only addressed her as Ling and know her as just another chinese girl in the class. I wouldn't call her pretty. All I can recall now is her bob-cut hair ala Vivian Chow in the 80s, an exact replica down to the wide cloth headbands that was popular back then. She wasn't outstanding in sports or studies. Just another normal chinese girl in a chinese neighbourhood. Come to think of it, she was kinda ah lian-ish if I look back now. But she was different. She was quiet and composed, unlike the guys who were a bunch of monkeys. She was mature. And shifting school every one to two years, I took a long time to warm up to girls. I'm an expert in art of being lansi eventhough I was trying very hard to actually say hello. So it happened a week or two after school started, when we by chance looked in each others general direction, caught each other stare, smiled and said hello.

It's a weird time, these pre-teen periods, when feeling transitions between buddy buddy boy-girl to something else we wouldn't thought would happen. It was halfway through the year when I found that I liked her a little bit more than "one of the guys". We would walk to school and back everyday. We would climb trees and bitch about school. We would hang out by the mining pool/fishing pond, skip rocks across the surface and talk about cartoons. And during the school holidays, me, her and some of the classmates would all go downtown in a group to hang out. Back then, The Mall was a kickass place. It was the place to be due to being the only shopping complex with a indoor fun park in town and The Mall is actually on the bus route that services my neighbourhood. So it's all good.

I never did actually told her I liked(loved?) her. Heck, in actual fact, I don't even know what I felt. The word like and love was so alien and foreign to the young me. In cantonese, "chung yee" is so universal. I could never forget that she said once "ngor chung yee pong lei hai mai yat chai. Ngor pong lei hai mai yat chai, hou hoi sum...". I guess the feeling was mutual, I was "hoi sum" as well. But I just couldn't accurately pin this "hoi sum" feeling to something bigger than just being happy that she was there to do all those things with me. But then the school year ended and everybody was busy looking for secondary schools. Being boys, being still kids... I wasn't too worked up about choosing secondary school, So I followed the guys, while she went to another secondary school in the same district. And being a stupid boy, I never bothered to ask her for the home number nor her address. But I still have a picture I took with her back then on the last day of school. We looked happy in the picture, like we always do when we're together. It's slightly faded and dog-eared, but it's still there in my photo album, in it's own special little pocket...

Track Of The Day: Zhang Hong Liang - Mei Li De Hua Wu Tieh