Monday, May 30, 2005

trading a used heart for a piece of rock

Moccagirl MSN-ed emoboy yesterday and told him in bold capital letters that she met a guy lately and she think he's the one. Emoboy was over the moon, absolutely ecstatic and damn happy for her... No waitaminnit, WHO THE FUCK ON THIS FORSAKEN PLANET'S NAME IS HE KIDDING?!?! He felt like she went out, took a sledgehammer and proceeded to smashcrushdestroy his heart into a puddle of quivering messybloody pulp. This is just as bad, if not worse than his current state of yesnomaybe relationship limbo. Technically, emoboy could be the most emotionally selfish person ever known to exist. He wants her to be around, he don't want her to go away, he wants her and he wants her to want him back. But he wants to draw a line and have it stop there. He wants to just draw the line after the occasionallove and constantlust. He wants to go for dinners with her... He wants to go for 3 movies in a row with her... He wants to go for long rides to nowhere at 3am in the morning with her... He wants to drink, smoke and talk themselves silly outside the neighbourhood 7-11... He wants to share her bed, make her come 3 times in a row and bring that cute pinkish flush that he adore to her cheeks... He wants to dive head on and scrap all the commitment bullshit that comes in-between. Emoboy wouldn't call that unfair cos' he has seen such relationships work quite a few times already. But he guessing she's not the girl to go for such an arrangement. Maybe he just doesn't wanna ask because she means a lot to him. She's slightly traditional, partially grounded and quite down to earth to be with a free spirited wanderlusting nutcase like him...

Well they met up later that night for coffee and she was yakking away on how the guy swept her off her feet, that's he's could be the one etfuckingcetera. All this emoboy could do is stare at her happy face and wished what she felt was actually for him. All this emoboy could think of is how beautifully her eyes shimmered under the yellow tungsten lamps. How cute she looks when she scrunged up her face, flustered cheeks and all... ecstatic on the thoughts if 39yroldolduncle would actually reciprocates her feelings. And all emoboy could do is edge her on, pushing her in the opposite direction and selftwist this knife in his chest a little bit harder and deeper...

Emoboy don't see her enough, sometimes once every two to three months but when ever he sees her, the Carpenters starts to sing in the background, the lights gets romantically dimmed and gaussian blurred. It's the way she looks at him straight in the eyes, smiles and look away still smiling. It's the way her pupils burrow into his head, sucks up all his logic and disables his warning sensors. It's the way she blinks her eyes slowly and strips him of all his defense systems and messes with emoboy's heart-to-logic wiring. Maybe she does this all without knowing it...

In actual fact this electricattractionfeeling could only be one way cos' emoboy could never read accurately what moccagirl is trying to convey to him. He's quite bad at that, he wouldn't even know if love drove over his feet with a 16-wheeler cement truck. She gives him mixed signals and he hates that. He can't read mixed signals. He wired exactly the same like the other few billion boys out there eventhough he's more in touch with his feeling than most. And emoboy refuses to commit because he is after all commitment phobic. Could emoboy be looking for flings? But then emoboy wants a little bit of love with that too. But then wouldn't it be called a relationship if there's love? And commitment will come soon after? *long sighs* What a wicked circle he draws himself into...

Emoboy needs a heart transplant soon. Give him a piece of rock in its place... cos' seriously, a heart is too bloody dangerous to be placed in this boy's hands...





Track Of The Day: Raveonettes - Love In A Trash Can

4 Comments:

Blogger Thai Boxing Girl said...

life would be meaningless without all these confusions, frustrations and a million of whys with no standard answers....to feel these, means you are alive...embrace the pain and confusion, tho no guarantee that answers / solutions will come later :)

However, all in all, you are indeed a selfish prick ;)

1:55 PM  
Blogger seth.frostheart said...

so basically you're saying that we're fucked, no matter how we go at this, with the occasional woohoo if we're lucky? pretty *cough* optimistic *laughs* but seriously, i know my odds when it comes to each and every particular girl. but when it comes to moccagirl, i just don't feel that lucky...

gosh tbg, is that sarcasm or are you agreeing with me after all? cos' i'm a silly boy after all... and i can read sarcasm just as well as i can read a girl's emotion-reaction :P

2:56 PM  
Blogger Anjali said...

it's fucked living in a limbo world but inertia usurps us. it boils down to damn fear. we are such chickenshit and if all these insecurities, mindfucking, sheer madness truly makes us feel alive, that how long more do you wanna live for? i would preserve that classic moment in molten lava for posterity and then move on. We thrive on memories, don't we? last but not least, we are all selfish bastards to different extents. and until we meet the one who loves us more than we do (again at varied levels of love), we will go out to break pple's hearts, tease their heads (either ways), be a total twerp and an absolute cock(cunt)teaser to boot!

Paris Hilton Sucks But I Suck Better! hurhur

Self defence mechanism I call it.

2:14 AM  
Blogger seth.frostheart said...

anjali: ouch... but i do agree with you somewhat. move on move on we shall. to dwell each time we break, is to die a little bit more each time inside...

but i'm wired differently i guess. i will forever crave for what i cannot have and lose what is already mine...

9:27 PM  

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