the circle is never fair

"i want you, regardless... of all your "missing e." moments... regardless of all your emo-depression-maniac moments when it strikes you..."

you cannot imagine how stunned i was as i sat there staring at this sentence that flashed across my screen. my fingers hovered momentarily a few inches above the keyboard, my mind racing scenarios for a reply to her confession.

then slowly i lowered my hands and a rhythmic tapping on the keyboard spelled out my reply, "would it be fair to you? to actually want someone that so stubborn, someone that refuses to budge from this limbo that he put himself into? y'know, i'd like to be with you, you know that... but i'm afraid i cannot devote one hundred percent of my whole being to you... i could give you fifty percent, maybe eighty but that's all that i can bring myself to let go from me. and that is unfortunately the truth... no matter how unfair it is..."

"when was love fair sethy? y'know, i'm not trying to be mean or anything but for all your pining for her here, have you stopped to think that she could already be with someone else? And yet you still wait and wait and wait... i'm sorry, who am i to criticise her, let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we...", she paused for a few seconds before adding,"... for all that i know, i may not get you and if i do, there's nothing i can do to stop you from going back to her when... if... she calls for you in the future..."

and thus she splashed across the screen what that has been lodged in my mind for so long...

"i know... understand... that you gave up something solid, something that could be almost forever. something that's eight freaking years to gamble on something that's so beautifully ethereal and so wonderfully unreal at that current moment in time. so what now when it shatters and breaks, and everything comes falling apart? what you had, you lost... what you longed after, disappeared. that doesn't mean you have to lock yourself in and wait right? i do not pretend to understand the bond that you once had with e. i also do not doubt the strength that which you loved each other. and sadly i do not think it has disappeared for good... because she has not said anything negative to you yet, correct? but seriously sethy... if you ever find that you need someone, i will be always be here, outside this circle that you've drawn and confined yourself into..."

and with that said, she logged off.





Track Of The Day: Keane - Bend and Break