the one decade honesty dilemma

bb. is a true and true cute gamer chick, with her straight, long black hair and geeky, small black-brown framed emo glasses... blessed with a non gamer, killer, young 34-24-34 curves to boot... something a gamer boy would gladly give up a +10 sword of all slaying, a set of godly armor plus ten thousand gold pieces to meet in real life... lo and behold, i by fluke, luck and chance, met her... and there she was, waving her axe around, meandering her time away in a mmorpg a few years back which i happen to also play out of boredom... i never paid much notice to girl avatars in mmorpgs for some real life males were notorious in using a female avatar to solicit equipments and gold from hot blooded real life teenage male players *laughs* i looked at her, made small talk and went on my own merry way, hacking at cute, defenseless furry animals while she did the same on the other end of the screen... so i sauntered into town, my backpack full of drop items for sale and i saw a clan was recruiting, her clan... so i pondered on it for awhile before signing on the recruitment charter... so there i was, surrounded by a bunch of noisy kids, talking about in-depth game stuff... i just sat there and listened...

the kids would call me uncle *laughs* i never made it point to hide my age in the online games i play... i would get reactions ranging from "cool!" to "really? O___o" to "it doesn't matter... (^__^)"... gamers were cool like that... age was no barrier to us mingling and we were after all only as physical as the avatars that represents us on screen... it's the gaming spirit and the teamwork that's important... and so there she was... asking and asking, while nobody answered... cluelessly cute and oblivious to why i was called uncle by the rest, cos' she was busy hacking and slashing away at the enemies when we were laughing over my age *smiles*

and that's how i met her...

bb. was never really a blogger... she kept her own blog, which were weekly, if not monthly updates on her study life and the occasional post on things other than studies... but she does make it a fact to read blogs cos' she's a voyeur like that... and she frequents my blog cos' she likes how my writing and images evokes emotions in her... unfortunately my last few posts about e. has struck a certain chord of disdain in her... she cries foul at my distrust with her and at my unwillingness to open up the rest of myself to her for i only share with her the part of me that adores and loves her... the part that treat her like she is his world, his anchor... she wants to see the darker side, the secret that he keeps but he's not too sure if he wants to expose that part of him to her... not just yet... maybe in time, but seriously, not yet...

i for one must learn that the honesty of a 20 year old out of town girl is very much different than a 20+ year old KL woman... for her trust is a very pure thing and i can see that her trust for me is whole... and for all that's true and sacred, that seriously scares the bejeezuz outta me... i've been used to playing mind fucks, distrust, dishonesty and lately, i've learnt that even years being in love doesn't make up for anything when shit happens... when the other party just refuses to make things happen, gives up and drops outta the picture sans explanations... i've been in relationships where honesty is a thing that you laugh at, then turn around to swap partners for the night and wake up tomorrow next to strangers... go look for my girlfriend among the tangle of bodies, wake her up, walk out the front door and say i love you to each other like nothing has happened... i was so deluded then, thinking that that was love... i would be a liar to say i didn't enjoy myself back then... debauchery and hedonism has it's attractions, and somedays when i sit down now, unfortunately, i still crave for it...

there's was one point in my life, where drinking and drugging yourself silly was a nightly affair, hence i can understand why people do that, but i don't condone it though... so many girls that i've been in and so many thing that's been in me for that period in time, i went for blood tests every 4-6 months just to keep myself from flipping out... worrying if i might die from something i picked up or my kidneys might just crash from all the crap i feed through my mouth and skin... and i'm still paying back through my kidneys and liver actually...

and i myself must also learn to to control my ditrust and jealousy and accept that she's young and she needs her space... and she needs her other boys, other than me... and it is no fault of hers that she will have admirers... and she will have guys going after her, regardless of what i do... i guess all older man-younger girl relationship has this problems, as a few friends in similar relationship has warned me of things like this happening... guess the hazards comes with the territory huh? *laughs*

bb., i want you to know, you're are the one keeping me sane and grounded when everything falls apart around me... as i've told you again, i don't care if my friends tell me that 20 year olds ain't exactly good "anchors" because they're too young to know shit, cos' bloody hell, you're my anchor, that's for sure... you plucked up the courage to approach the big bad wolf... and the big bad wolf learned not to snarl and bite at your advances... that's a very big achievement... you've touched me here *puts right hand over heart* that way...

and so i write this blog, this particular post, for you... from time to time, i'll post up posts which i know will make you angry or sad, not because i'm doing it on purpose but i know no easy way to tell you what you want to know... we could sit down over a cup of coffee and i still can't find words for all this... i guess i put words into writing better than i speak... i know you will read this, as you've read the rest...i think you have to give me time to learn bb... let me switch out of this mentality that i'm currently so utterly stuck in... i do want to make this happen, because this is a two way thing... and i can see that you're trying so damn hard from your corner...



i'm so sorry to have hurt you... never again...



semper amemus...



nemo nisi mors...





Track OF The Day: Yolanda Adams – Open My Heart (Guidance Mix)