Monday, September 13, 2004

good morning, heartache

Morning rains are nice... Especially when you're the first one into the office, when its all semidarkalmostbrightmorning. You draw open the shades, let the sun in and the whole bay window is yours... All 10 feet plus of it, looking down onto the streets below and into the reflections of the puddles, reflecting the skies back at you. And you fire up the cappucino machine and the cup your holding in your hand is the 1st cup out of the machine today... Its a nice morning, by a nice bay window with a wonderful view of the outside... Thats if you don't have this heartache the size of a small African nation in total war in your chest.

People only see what I let them see. My friends both online and offline sees the player... which is only a very small facet of me. They see the psychobabeboobslovingpervert. They see the hardcoregamer. They see the funnyjokerman. They see the crowdpleaser. They see all that. But what they dont't see the emopoetphotographer. The boywhosheartiseasilybroken. The kidwholovedbutwasneverlovedinreturn.

People ask, how can you love so many people in one go? Hey, I can't answer that myself. Love works in a mysterious way. Not that I'm complaining but I'm getting hurt too this first time around. So this is what lovehurt feels like. This must be the payback for when I up and left that pretty girl in upper secondary 5, I left without saying goodbye. This must be for that time when I kissed that malay girl that I was into so much and I found that it was more than I bargained for. This must be for that time when I held this cute girlfriend's hand and she thought she had something going on between us, and I left again for 3 months. And this must be ultimately for the time when I been with girls and then left without ever saying goodbye. I'm commitment-phobic yes... The C word and God forbid, the M word was never in my vocabulary... Its like a dirty word to me. I had arguments(or rather heated debates with friends and family members) over getting married. They would never cease to ask me everytime they see me:

"When are you geting married?"

I'm so tempted to shout shut the fuck up and mind your own bloody business, but common-sense held me back. I would ultimately reply: why get married? Is it for the tax rebates? Legal sex? I mean 2 people can be together and not get married, and if your so worried about the legalities and you wanna have little yous and hers running about, then just get registered. There, case closed. Over pompous chinese weddings and dinners isn't exactly my cup of tea. I mean what the fuck.. the wedding is supposed to be me and her, not feeding you guys on pretend expensive food and expecting a hefty ang pau in return. Heck no... I'll tell you all that I'm married and just be happy for me, that would be enough. I don't want your ang paus and I'd figure most people think going for wedding banquets is a chore so just let it be then. They would look at me in horror and I would chuckle and heh to myself. So there, I have alienated myself from my married friends even further... *sighs*

I find my heart to frivolous to be ever tied down to just one person. But I feel I must IF I ever do get married. I can't go on like this. I'll just burn out this heart of mine but I'd guess that will be for the better cos' I've caused too much pain to too many people and gotten too much love in return. Quite an unfair equation don't you think?

Tracks Of The Day:
No Doubt - Dont Speak, Running
Incubus - Wish You Were Here, Nice To Know You, Warning, Stellar, Drive
Deftones - Change(In The House Of Flies)


Blogger cyber-red said...

it is heartache when you have someone wrapped around the finger and there are mind games that're being played. You don't know what the other person is thinking of and you wondered if it was any the worth.

10:42 PM  

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