Tuesday, September 28, 2004

sleeping with... sleeping without...

So yea.. I've made good on our agreements and moved out from the place we shared for 3 years. Now I'm back at mom's place, in my old room.. Only just because she insisted and she knows I'll be bed-hopping too much if she lets me rent a room outside *laughs* Heck... how do parents know so much about you from a glance? It's embarrassing... I mean compared to having your friends know that you are a super stud, that's is in a way an ego-booster but this is your mom man.. OMG, I think this will haunt me forever... knowing my mom knows I'm a man-whore-stud!~ *laughs* I think e. spoke to my mom.. I'm pretty sure about this!!! ^^

I'd say it wasn't easy, this moving out thing... Packing in total silence, passing things around like automatons on a pre-programmed path... Being as careful as possible as not to bump into each other and avoid any bodily contact. So it has become like this... like strangers avoiding skin contact on a bus ride... like squeezing through a crowd of people, using your arms to keep them at bay... I looked at her face but she didn't look back at me. I looked away and I can feel her eyes searching my face for eye contact. That 1 hour was a jumble of emotions... all spoken without moving of lips... Spoken with eyes, arching eyebrows and soft sighs... And at the end of that one hour... 3 years of my life was packed into one Satria... Then I sent her to work and I leaned over to offer her a good bye hug and kiss but she gently pushed me aside and smiled a sad smile before saying," No... maybe not this time..." She then opened the door and walked out of my life completely...

So this is what it's like to be sleeping alone... I roll over hoping to spoon a warm body... To put my arms around a breathing body... To put my hand on a breast and feel a relaxed, rhythmic beat... To put my leg in between hers... To put my face on long silky hair and smell a familiar shampoo... To put my nose on her neck and breathe in her scent... I roll over and I find nothing...

But I'm not sad... Well maybe slightly, the full extent of my choice has not set in yet I guess... But yea, I'm not sad... Like I said, I guess safety isn't what I'm looking for after all... I could stay with that but I doubt I'll be really happy until I have love... and I have love... because I have e.

"You've got this strange effect on me... And I like it..."

Track Of The Day: Hooverphonic - This Strange Effect


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didn't tell your mom anything!

and i think it's harder to sleep on a double bed alone, waking up in the morning realising that subconsciously i sleep only on one side, waiting for someone to fill the other.

after so long, i still want to wake up with a warm body beside me.


8:35 PM  

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