Tuesday, May 31, 2005

houses... empty inside...

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(photography[old house in kuala lipis, pahang], photoshop cs)

Used to stay here, long ago... where living was simpler and it was easier to be happy...

1) i fell down that stairs like a million times :) i used to see things standing at the top of the stairs when i was younger. fortunately, it was of a friendly kind. come to think of it, the house is filled with them *ponders*

2) i forgot who's room this is. there's a bathroom to the right of the picture, equipped with an authentic 4-legged colonial era bath tub and this huge full-length bronze rimmed mirror.

3) my late grandad use to look and smile down at me from this window when i played in the garden. it hurts to stand here...

Track Of The Day: Roger Sanchez - Another Chance

Monday, May 30, 2005

trading a used heart for a piece of rock

Moccagirl MSN-ed emoboy yesterday and told him in bold capital letters that she met a guy lately and she think he's the one. Emoboy was over the moon, absolutely ecstatic and damn happy for her... No waitaminnit, WHO THE FUCK ON THIS FORSAKEN PLANET'S NAME IS HE KIDDING?!?! He felt like she went out, took a sledgehammer and proceeded to smashcrushdestroy his heart into a puddle of quivering messybloody pulp. This is just as bad, if not worse than his current state of yesnomaybe relationship limbo. Technically, emoboy could be the most emotionally selfish person ever known to exist. He wants her to be around, he don't want her to go away, he wants her and he wants her to want him back. But he wants to draw a line and have it stop there. He wants to just draw the line after the occasionallove and constantlust. He wants to go for dinners with her... He wants to go for 3 movies in a row with her... He wants to go for long rides to nowhere at 3am in the morning with her... He wants to drink, smoke and talk themselves silly outside the neighbourhood 7-11... He wants to share her bed, make her come 3 times in a row and bring that cute pinkish flush that he adore to her cheeks... He wants to dive head on and scrap all the commitment bullshit that comes in-between. Emoboy wouldn't call that unfair cos' he has seen such relationships work quite a few times already. But he guessing she's not the girl to go for such an arrangement. Maybe he just doesn't wanna ask because she means a lot to him. She's slightly traditional, partially grounded and quite down to earth to be with a free spirited wanderlusting nutcase like him...

Well they met up later that night for coffee and she was yakking away on how the guy swept her off her feet, that's he's could be the one etfuckingcetera. All this emoboy could do is stare at her happy face and wished what she felt was actually for him. All this emoboy could think of is how beautifully her eyes shimmered under the yellow tungsten lamps. How cute she looks when she scrunged up her face, flustered cheeks and all... ecstatic on the thoughts if 39yroldolduncle would actually reciprocates her feelings. And all emoboy could do is edge her on, pushing her in the opposite direction and selftwist this knife in his chest a little bit harder and deeper...

Emoboy don't see her enough, sometimes once every two to three months but when ever he sees her, the Carpenters starts to sing in the background, the lights gets romantically dimmed and gaussian blurred. It's the way she looks at him straight in the eyes, smiles and look away still smiling. It's the way her pupils burrow into his head, sucks up all his logic and disables his warning sensors. It's the way she blinks her eyes slowly and strips him of all his defense systems and messes with emoboy's heart-to-logic wiring. Maybe she does this all without knowing it...

In actual fact this electricattractionfeeling could only be one way cos' emoboy could never read accurately what moccagirl is trying to convey to him. He's quite bad at that, he wouldn't even know if love drove over his feet with a 16-wheeler cement truck. She gives him mixed signals and he hates that. He can't read mixed signals. He wired exactly the same like the other few billion boys out there eventhough he's more in touch with his feeling than most. And emoboy refuses to commit because he is after all commitment phobic. Could emoboy be looking for flings? But then emoboy wants a little bit of love with that too. But then wouldn't it be called a relationship if there's love? And commitment will come soon after? *long sighs* What a wicked circle he draws himself into...

Emoboy needs a heart transplant soon. Give him a piece of rock in its place... cos' seriously, a heart is too bloody dangerous to be placed in this boy's hands...

Track Of The Day: Raveonettes - Love In A Trash Can

Thursday, May 26, 2005

that insignificant yellow string

For many years, Vesak Day used to mean a lot to me. Because she was there queueing up with me to get into the prayer hall. And it funnyadorablecute seeing her trying to blend into the crowd and shrugging off the occasional stares and shooting back evil eyes of her own. She never did blend in well, her skin tone makes people think she's malay... Her hair, for many years was chin length and dyed a darker shade of purple. Her facial and ear piercings... The tattoos on her right shoulder blades, right wrist and ankles.. All those make her stand out in the crowd. She would look around, then look at me and frown. She would then reach out her hands and I see her mouth "save me" in slow motion. I would laugh.. we would laugh... and it was all good... And the best part was after the prayers, we would tie each others' yellow string... wishing each other health, wealth and wiseness with genuine interest... Beautiful...

Inter-racial relationship at its best.. It works if it isn't forced and we accepted each others' religion as unique, with genuine interest. I used to go for saturday night masses with her without fail and she lights the occasional joss stick for the ancestral altar in my house. I know my hail marys and she knows the exact amount of joss stick for the different altars.

So now today I stand here admist the crowd... under the blazing sun, alone... with two yellow strings in my hand. I stood outside the temple and tied both yellow strings by myself on my wrist. Where ever you are, I wish you all the best... to be healthy, wealthy and wise... and may you be happy, always...

Track Of The Day: Radiohead - The Bends

Monday, May 23, 2005

happy birthday endomrph

Sunday, May 22, 2005

mer de noms: jamie

Recollecting Jamie...

Jamie Chee was the first girl I kissed, or rather she was the first girl who kissed me. During a particular Sports Day, she tackled me on the field, sat on my chest and planted a smack on my lips before running off laughing. She did that at a time when I felt girls were the yuckiest and ickiest of things on the face of the planet. I was angry, ashamed and disgusted. Our parents and teachers were looking and laughing from the sidelines. I ignored her for two whole week and made her the saddest girl in class. When I felt bad and I started to speak to her again, she became the happiest girl I've ever seen. I was young then and I didn't understand why my heart felt sad when she was sad. And when she was happy, emotionally, I leapt with joy as well...

So she was the first girl who kissed me, her name's Jamie Chee and we were both 9 then...

When I was a kid, I never understood my parents' need to move around so much and why my dad had to change job locations every few years. Then later I found out that civil engineers do that a lot... move around with projects. So, I switched schools like 4 times right up until I started my lower secondary. One thing I hate more than making new friends is losing old ones and as time passed, I lost Jamie. I grew up, I forgot. I found new friends and new games. New places, new interests. But little do we know our parents kept in touch through the years, having parents-only dinners and meet ups. So I saw her again, after such a long time. It was during her 15th birthday when her mom invited me and my parents over. So here was two old friends, standing face to face. The years spent apart made us felt like total strangers. Being uncomfortable and awkward teenagers didn't help either. We smiled and said hi to each other, shaking each others' hand cordially. It was awkward to say the least, especially when the alcohol took effect and conversations of our parents deviated from them and their life to ours. Especially reflecting on the "do you remember their good old days when they were young" topic. So we sat there, red faced. She whined and begged at her mom to stop. I just kept quiet and sunk a few more feet deeper into the plush sofa. Oh god, the laughing... it's like being 9 all over again (>___<)

The night passed by fairly quickly with us kids being loaded on shandy and the occasional beer stolen from the cooler. We said our goodbyes, promising to catch up and maybe go out sometime. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the beer talking but I could be wrong. Hey who am I kidding? I was 15 and I don't understand girls at all back then( and I pretty damn well sure I still don't understand them now as well *sighs*) But we did eventually met up a few more times, tagging along when our moms went on their shopping sessions. We were still awkward but after a few meets, we warmed up enough to go wandering on our own.

It was wonderful, this feeling of rediscovering an old friend but unfortunately like all things good, it came to an end too soon. Growing up and living different lives, It's quite hard to slot someone into a life that's running on a different routine. I don't blame her, I doubt she blames me either. Too many "I'm sorry I can't make it today. Let's try another day" and we slowly drited apart again.

last I heard she was a stewardress doing international routes on SIA. I would think nothing less of her. She's not that much of a beauty, slim and tall though. But guessing how plain most catwalkers are nowadays, she would be considered quite pretty I guess. And lately(a few years back) my mom told me she got married to a malay guy and they divorced not too long after. That's sad....

So this is an ode to the first girl who kissed me, where ever you are now. I doubt I can get in touch with her again cos' our parents lost touch as well. But wouldn't it be wonderful I could just say hi to her again and maybe break the ice a little bit faster this time around cos' sub-consciously she has and will always have a special place in my heart.

"Hey do you remember when we were nine you kissed me? You're the first girl that I've ever kissed... I still remember... "

Track Of The Day: Bobby Valentino - Slowdown

Friday, May 20, 2005

happy birthday lili

Thursday, May 19, 2005

happy birthday silvrkiss

Sunday, May 15, 2005


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(lomography[driving from kl to ipoh on a weekend], photoshop cs)

fingers cutting through the air at 120kmph... reaching up, reaching out... reaching nothing...

Track Of The Day: Longview - Further

Saturday, May 14, 2005


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(night photography[self photography], photoshop cs)

waking up everyday screaming mentally to get out of this routine... feeling like my head is two sizes too big... dealing with people that cheat and lie and at the end of the day, they can still look you in the face, smile and give you a pat on the back... working your ass off to find that you're back where you started... giving up everything that i had for nothing...

so i rebel and push my limits on the bicycle, cycling up and down that 45 degree slope till my muscle aches from the lactic acid buildup... rock climbing, extending my limbs beyond its limits... reaching for the 6 markers when i can't even make 5... diving beyond 90 feet and feel the enjoyable effects of nitrogen narcosis kick in... driving like a mad man and revel in the fact that i missed the barrier wall of that turn by a few feet...

self destruction never felt so good...

Track of The Day: Mudvayne - Happy?

Saturday, May 07, 2005

happy birthday koginavaan

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


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(photography[old train station], photoshop cs)

Ku terasa cuai... ditelan dan cair didalam pelukkan cahaya matahari hati mu... bagai kupu kupu terpukau... sinaran lilin bahaya melahap kepak dan badan kecil ku... namun batin ku tidak hancur, hati ku saja yang rentung berkecai...

kau merbahaya, namun ku tetap terdesak terjun kedalam perangkap lubuk hati mu... cukuplah kau meyeksa ku dengan kebisuan mu... suara mu yang indah dulu menari dan bergema diseluruh ruang jiwa ku...

berbicaralah dengan ku... aku rindu padamu...

Track Of The Day: Butterfingers - Cuai

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

why wont you speak to me...

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(illustration[unknown source], photoshop cs)

an old song from way back... they lyrics never meant much to me until now... "weather's here, wish you were beautiful" by The Benjamins.

sometimes, you forget I'm there
so I nudge you to let you know
that I'll never go away
in this case, I sort of crashed through you
your legs can't take the weight of my dreary heart
so we both fall

except this time, you get to get up
and be something to somebody else
I'm not so lucky, I guess
I'm going nowhere fast

it seems like we're doing something new
if it's cool, I'd rather not look at you
I'd rather stay dumb
but it's hard when my head's stuck in the clouds
my feel are firmly stapled to the ground
it's a total fucking drag

I don't wanna talk about it
it's just running in circles and breaking my heart
I'll believe almost anything
I'll tell you when to start again

Track Of The Day: The Benjamins - Weather's here, wish you were beautiful