Friday, July 29, 2005

driven into you

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driving far, driving alone... dunno if it matters but your two quarters here misses you one whole and a few more...

Track Of The Day: Jay Chou - Yi Lu Xiang Bei

Thursday, July 28, 2005

sweet young thing

i'm bad at relationships, no really, i am... i'm too frivolous with my feelings, too careless with my heart, i'm too nice to girls to the point that i give a wrong impression... and i take that wrong impression and feed from it like a vampire... that superultraaddictive emotionalsugarhigh from lovelustadoration... maybe i'm born in the wrong country, where a touch like this could totally fly off tangent and mean that... or a hug and kiss could mean more than a hug and kiss... i'm affectionate, i'm physical, i'm touchy-feely... i'm sorry if my hands roam but i like the feel of female skin, curves and warmth on my palms... i like looking into eyes, as like really looking into them and not just a fleeting glance... and if i feel comfortable with you, i sit real close and i bump shoulders and thighs with you... i would even lean in to steal a breath from you or absent-mindedly arc my head and catch a whiff of your scent from your neck and hair... i'm sensual like that...

you could say i messed up an eight year relationship because of the above but i still think that's a 50-50 thing... from a dying relationship, i went into gamble with a promise that we would work things out regardless... unfortunately, i have lost the gamble, been given up, discarded and forgotten... i'm still sore at her for disappearing without a reason... and i'm still waiting for a why... hey you, no matter it takes how long, i still want a why from you...

so lately, a very young SYT felt that i was a good emotional investment and i dived head first into it because i miss the emotional and physical closeness... i could tell her i'm not (a good emotional investment) but she already knows that, she could be considered an old friend... one of those this pedobear has known for quite a few years and she knows me very well indeed... she knows my pre-occupation with a why from e. and she knows i could and most possibly would run to e. if she comes back... so one night, when i shared my bed with her, i did everything to her but i stopped short of doing the full horizontal lambada because i know she's still a girl... wouldn't be fair for me to take when i can't promise a certainty... i wouldn't want to either, it just didn't feel... for a lack of a better word... right... and as big as my lust is, common-sense kicked in at the right time...

an immensely applaudable control of willpower dropkicksuzy said with a pat on my back and a genuinely impressed smile... loads of guys would've just went for it and not look back she added with a as-a-matter of fact look on her face... yea, i said but i just stopped, our breaths and hearts racing against each others bodies... i looked into her eyes and i told her not yet... we can wait right? and she looked at me, smiled with the most trusting look in her eyes and nodded slowly while hugging me... and at that moment, i know i've won her over...

conversation while having a drink with some inkandsteeldemons:

[Damien] you've been with so many hot girls seth and i dare say your taste and quality had dropped a few levels with this one... tak cantik lah beb, biasa aje... what's wrong with the rest of the other girls that you have?

well, i guess being recently 30 really kicked my emotional maturity notch up a few levels... i do not crave for looks like i used to... don't get me wrong, heck i still like looking at beautiful things, i still want to be around them, i still want them all over me and i still crave their company, sometimes... but that's just it... no more, no less... i guess i've grown up? *laughs* she might not be a hot babe or a looker like the rest but i do sincerely like her... y'know if i was really looking for a permanent fixture in my life, i'd definitely get a plain-jane instead of a hot babe... someone totally gwai gwai lui type to contrast the ink and pierced me *grins* ...and maybe i am starting to look for one... [!!!]

[Widya] chinese girl? i thought you don't like chinese... so unlike you lah... u know, kan ada Reena? she likes you... *cheeky smiles*

my time with Reena is over... we both missed the bus and no matter how much we like each other, it's hard to recapture that moment we shared, so that part of my/our life will remain in the past... well again, there's that mis-conception that i like only non-chinese girls... just because i've never dated a chinese girl ever since highschool *roll eyes* i like chinese girls, i really do... it's just that i haven't really found one that i like... but i wouldn't deny the fact that if given two choices, a non-chinese asian would be my pick... providing i like them both equally... i've have had two relationships that could've ended pretty nicely with marriage but it's that age old hurdle of converting that got in the way... oh well, that's in the past...

and by my experience... they're 8 outta 10, have better bodies, are much more fun to be with and definitely better in bed *coughs* yes.. i'm lusty like that... please shoot me :P

i know Irene would kill me for that last statement... hur hur hur!~

[Aleena] she's so young, can she take care of you?

i don't know but one thing i know is that don't want to be looked after... i'm racing around, doing what i'm doing to secure a better future and i don't have time to stop and be fawned over... but i wouldn't mind doting on someone though... i like being the all-protective father figure... the big kor kor... the shoulder... the sometimesfriendsometimeslover... in actual fact i've always doted on all the girls around me... i have too many 'sis'... and most of them are standing in the grey area of a relationship with me because of my too nice attitude... most are quite hot... most are quite single and yes, sometimes i do bloody regret it! *winks and laughs*

[Aleena] she's so young, it's gonna be a hell lot of work you.

regardless of age difference, relationships has always been a helluva rollercoaster ride for two but i guess that what it is... a working towards a definite one goal by two people... a compromise from both sides to make the journey a little better... maybe she's younger and she needs to learn... and i don't mind compromising and teaching...

i guess my main gripe is with her studies, i don't get to see her much and with particularly her unimates, coursemates and the 20,000 co-curicular activites she doing sucking up all of her non-lecture non-tutorial time leaving me with, if i'm lucky, barely a day in a week to see her... and for the love of god, she even has a nutcase, super jealous, bf-less chemlab coursemate-partner who coming between me and her... wtf?! *mutter grumble* SOMEONE GET HER FREAKING PARTNER A DILDO PLEASE!!~

and she's your typical young, flirty and playful girl... it's hard for me to not be jealous... she's my "territory" after all *laughs* she gets a lot of attention but i feel that she deserves to have fun, just like me *winks* hey, a relationship should be fair... everybody should have some flirting fun and if she's interested in someone else, that's all cool by me... just as long as there's a safety line drawn somewhere, that's fine... at least i know she's emotionally healthy and not psychoticly obbsessive, lol!~ :P

but seriously baby, please just slot me in sometimes... your old man here misses you already while writing this! *laughs*

lately after having one-on-one talks with dropkicksuzy, mel, jenny and aleena (yes.. all girls :P) i think i'm willing to do an emotional investment in this SYT... i wouldn't say i'd promise her a lot with the all the uncertainties... but we're taking things rather slowly and it seems to be going in the right direction at the moment... hell, she's got a pretty firm grip on my heart with her sincerity and utmost trust in me... tell me how can i betray that?

Track Of The Day: Air - Cherry Blossom Girl

Sunday, July 24, 2005


i never liked the searing, burning pain of a paper cutter blade... i sliced across three fingers on my left hand while cutting mounting boards back in art college and it hurt like hell... i pulled the blade across the mounting boards a bit too fast, the damn blade jumped the side and slid across the smooth top surface of the steel ruler... it raced across the hand that was holding down the ruler before i could lift them away from the path of oncoming doom... cutting right through to the bone, three distinct layers - skin, fat and flesh staring at me like a fresh cut of meat at the deli, before a torrent of dark red oozed, no gushed out a few seconds later... i stood rooted and stared... enthralled, in a biological sense, by the stratas of the skin... i mean how often do you get to see all three real life layers? i mean the closest we got was illustrated charts in biology textbooks... i flexed my fingers and they moved, good... i didn't sever any nerves... and off the top of my head, i doubt that there's any important nerves running across the bony top part of the fingers anyways... so there and then, i had to take off my Helmet's "Betty" t-shirt and wrap it around my fingers while my classmates ran around like headless chickens *laughs*

i had people cut me, i had people cut because of me but i've never cut myself... i hate the pain of cutting, not something i can say i would enjoy... i hated the nagging throb, the light headedness and the detached mental-aural feeling where everything is there but it's like you're displaced a few feet away... hence i can never pretend to understand the need of dragging a gillette razor across the wrist... i deal with my problems with ink and piercings... mine is true to that old adage: every piece of ink, every piercing on me is a marker for important/fucked up/happy/sad events in my life... every "whoosh" of the needle through my flesh every and buzz of the tattoo gun on my skin hammers the memories indelibly into my psyche... you need to be pierced with a piercing needle to know that split second wait-rush, that "whooshing" of surgical steel through flesh... none of that stupid sungei wang plastic cap piercing gun shit... you need to be tattooed to know that soothing, hypnotic buzz of the tattoo gun and the high from the slow release of endorphins after the ink settles...

so when i found out a friend of mine did a razorbladelove, i felt somewhat surprised and sad... i should've seen it coming and i should've trusted my gut feelings that told me you're crashing... the "i'm happy"s didn't sound too genuine... the "i'm okay"s snagged at the back of your throat for a split second before coming out of your mouth... and at one point during our chat over the phone, i caught her sobbing once but she quickly sugar-glazed over it with a laugh... warning bells were ringing but still our chat ended rather hastily because my phone battery died on me... i got home, texted you good night and slept on it... we were lucky to have friends that look out for you and know that you're riding that downward spiral... and they got to you in time...

this girl, I like her… but i like her not in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way… but from me to her, a very strong brother-sister-kindred spirit way... i am compelled to care what happens to her and get worried when it does... and she has tons of people that cares for her, especially him. So you sillybear, never doubt him…

babe, don't you do dare a razorbledelove again, ever... don't be selfish and deprive me of a beautiful little sister like you... *smiles and hugs tight*

Track Of The Day: Slipknot - Purity

Thursday, July 21, 2005


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you've never forgotten my birthday before...

Track Of The Day: Air - Alone In Kyoto

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

9spaces: bday/mel+me/ happyshinyppl

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[group shots] (drunk happy shiny people)

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[couple shots] (drunk happy shiny couples)
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[cake shot] (jinx sez , "it's wedding cake cutting session" O___o WTF!)

(digital photography[decanters, hartamas+work, sec 17], photoshop cs)

i share the same birthday with four other friends... so much for being unique, bleh :D though i think it would be total chaos if all four of us manage to get off our asses and hook up a full blown four way birthday party... hrmmm, mebbe next year aye? *ponders*

well, two out of four is still cool... happy bday mel... and oh, myself too :P (and not forgetting... chen-chen + Chong Yew)

Track Of The Day: R.E.M. - Happy Shiny People

Monday, July 18, 2005

friends in 9spaces: lunch/lili

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a long wine filled lunch break with an old friend

Track Of The Day: Ludvig and Stelar - Signal (Ambient Mix)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

my weirdest bday present ever

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"well, thanks for the ride home...", she flashed me a million dollar smile.

"naw, no problem... i'm headed this way anyways", i checked my fuel tank and made a mental note that i might not have enough petrol to get home... damn... gotta find a petrol station quick....

she gave me a light nudge and laughed, "oei, you're headed this way? bangi? since when bah? i don't think so, you've like overshot puchong by like 20km or so..."

"well okay, i was being corteous... i don't think is safe for me to dump my friend who's a new girl in town at the LRT station... anyways, where's my bday present?", i extended my hand and gave her a cheeky grin.

she frowned and laughed, "OHHH, yau yum mau keh!!!~ kan chan!!!~ I got nothing for you bah", she made a sad face,"I'm but a lowly student, with a minimal loan wor... ngor hou charm ka..."

"it's fine silly dear... i was just teasing... ", i playfully ruffled her hair.

"hrmmm... oh nonono... this is your 30th bday after all yes? let's see what i have in here... ", she rummaged through her bag and her eyes lit up, "uhm, you want a pencil?"

i whacked the back of her head playfully, "gee, thanks for reminding me. and no... no thanks, i got loads of pencils at home dear..."

"uhmmm, how bout an eraser? a stabilo highlighter? a ruler?", she waved all of it in front of my face.

"OMGWTF!!~ uh, no... no... and no...", i laughed and pushed the things back to her.

she grinned, "uhmmm, doubt you'll have much use for my biology, chemistry and enviro science notes either... OH!, how bout this then?", she waved a bunch of photos and gave me a cheeky smile.

"aiks? your uni photos? hmmmm, why not? i like photos...", i nodded agreeingly.

"wokayyy... didn't think you would want it... hmmm... ", she flipped through and chosed a 5X7 out of the stack and penned down something on the back before passing it to me.

"wow.. gee thanks...", i looked at the picture and flipped it over to read the message she wrote, "actually hor, this is the weirdest bday pressie i've ever got so far... heheh."

"i know you want it... don't lie! you're my paedophilestalkerbear! ", she nudged my side and stucked her tongue out, "well thanks for the ride home!~ see ya when i see ya m'kay!~"

she hopped out of the car, winked and waved her hand frantically at me to go quick, "the guards are looking and they're coming!~ go go go!!~"

i nodded, waving the picture she gave and smiled at her before driving off...

Track Of The Day: Crystal Kay - As It Began

Friday, July 15, 2005

press of a button

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it's just one of those strange, solitary fridays that i don't feel like venturing into a crowd of beautiful strangers... so i kick back with my first cigg of the day in my mouth and a cold brew in my hand... put arai akino on loop on the mp3 player... fire up photoshop cs... rummaged through my folder of a billion snapshots and notepad doodlings i've collected over the years to come up with something...

it's always so easy to miss the one that's next to you... the one that's holding you up... holding your hands... lifting your spirits... urging you on... when you're chasing for the ever elusive... just don't look back to find them gone... and find that what you actually want is that person that was next to you all along...

hey you, the lights won't stay red forever y'know and she has already crossed to the other side of the road... and she's looking back, with her arms outstretched... waiting for you to join her...

oh fuck this, maybe i'll go out for a beer after all... i need some eye candy... my arms needs a female body and my soul needs some physical contact of the non sexual but sensual type with the opposite sex...

time to go collect the fourtwentyheroes... have a good weekend all... frost out...

Track Of The Day: Arai Akino -Tsuke no Ie (Outlaw Star, 2nd ending)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

happy birthday xiao b.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

roadtrip: melbourne

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bodies and faces pressed against each other... genuine laughters and semi cold fosters in hand... driving with the top down in our rented holden barina cabrio... the sun's heat hammering on our squinty eyed faces... hugging the rolling roads of yarra valley on the outskirts of melbourne... so this is what it's like... running away to new places with new faces...

somewhat, somehow, something still feels missing... lost... incomplete... because memories of you are still ghosting me in the shadows...

Track Of The Day: Billy Talent - Try Honesty

Friday, July 08, 2005

and he says: silence tells a cruel lie

this room fills my imaginary vision full of wonderful cravings. has the want of the populous render me impaitent in chasing after you? have i now resort to blaming others instead of myself for this predicament? i wish i could say, but my cowardice-modesty prevents me the act of savouring our then growing lovelustdesire...

truthfully, in entertaining these tumultic thoughts of mine, the core essence of my sins stems deep in the acknowledgement of only one mortal soul. to look in her direction, deep into her eyes triggers the virus that eats at my longing heart, but it pains me much to be so stilled and frozen in my own fear-filled world...

would you consider being a part of my life? would i want you to be? oh, for all that is to be desired and longed for, i do. until secretly, a play of constructed reality plays joyfully in my mind, on loop. how blissful it is to hold the rains and control my mind's storms, a wish for her to walk down the parted sun-filled path i have designed, straight into my life...

sadly, as i write this, the realization to act upon making my dreams a reality has surpassed it's sell-by-date. i guess i backed my time too cautiously at the risk of tearing my curiosity and amazement of you apart. i held my peace too long that war now stands at my side and holds firm my heart. the battle is my own, for you have chosen to exclude me in your life. though i still wait by your life's entrance, the door has already closed and bolted from within. can i be forgiven for hoping? for wanting to be sure of you? for wanting you? no, i chose to doubt you, and play around you like butterflies would around wild blooms. so these are my own machinations... my own self-punishment; to care so deeply for you that prophecies plague me, both in my dreams and my wake...

love thy self-inflicted pain, embrace thy own paranoia, have thee not learnt that silence tells a cruel lie?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

what's your story, hunnybunny?

i hate sitting here, not being able to do anything, staring at the CNN coverage of the London bomb blasts. i hate this incommunicado even more now because i really want to know how you're doing, were you on your way to somewhere and if you're okay admist the turmoil that's is now london...

i hate it because i worry when people say i shouldn't anymore... and i hate it because i still care...

goddamnit, please email me... sms me... just a "i'm fine... don't worry...", just to say you're okay and you can forever keep your silence after... this is all i ask of you...

please e. ...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

turn away

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daydreaming, watching dropkicksuzy play air guitar in her white cami and torn light blue levis, jumping up and down on the bed... i crank up QOTSA, hitting the high 20s on the volume hi fi dail... the monotonous, sludgy drone of stoner/robot rock riffs and the melancholic whine of Josh Homme's voice pleads:

It's the cruelest joke to play
I'm so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so

I keep on playin our favorite song
I turn it up while you're gone
It's all I got when you're in my head and you're in my head so I need it

You're the only thing I've got that I can't seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so

Hurry up & wait forever
Hurry up & wait for forever

-still waiting-

Track Of The Day: Queens Of The Stone Age - In My Head

Sunday, July 03, 2005

friends in 9spaces:carol/kenangan

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hanya gambarmu sahaja yang tinggal sebagai kenangan...

Track Of The Day: Ferhad - Pernah

Saturday, July 02, 2005

relaxation is the color blue

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relaxation is the color blue,
like the skies,
like the clouds,
is like spending time with you.

like flowing feelings,
like running emotions,
reflected on moving surfaces,
like the seas,
like the sands,
like forever summer,
timeless, warm and calm,
everything is the color blue.

that is what i share,
on a breeze,
the thought of swimming,
in the blue sea,
under the blue skies,
only with you.

i have to lay off the chronic while listening to chillout cafe del mar cds... been having some vibrant and lucid waking dreams about gliding through ibiza's warm summer seas with hot nubile spaniard women... not that it's a bad thing mind you, heheh...

well too bad reality sinks in the moment the chronic hit dips and the cd ends... *long sighs*

Track Of The Day: Digby Jones - Under The Sea

Friday, July 01, 2005

friends in 9spaces: lunch/mel/healing time

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even i must admit, some things definitely heal better than drugs...

and all you really need is a combo of: someone you adore... a wonderful slow paced lunch-break... and a smoking-chatting session on the balcony... just to momentarily stop and knock back a few feet from this ever widening gap between you and me...

we should do this again very soon mel...

i sure as hell miss talking and hanging out with you constantly like i used to...

Track Of The Day: Suede - Heroine