don't stand there

(photography[me/dj spacedman - licensed to fly, at the turntables], photoshop cs)

music, liquor and drugs... three of the most kick ass thing in the whole wide world other than sex... it's times like this, when a million fuck ups are abound, when life doesn't go as smoothly as you planned, when the silent pauses are long in-between... nothing beats the triple trouble combo... but i think this time around, i won't just stand here, shut everything away and drink-fly-space out... time to grab the mix tapes and take a long drive nowhere...

have a good hols people... the inkandsteeldemons, the fourtwentyheroes, theforgottens, the emokingsandqueens... and not forgetting you normal people out there *smiles*


message to annakilli: babe, i don't hate all house... i do actually think i'm beginning to like deep house, thanks to you *winks* thanks for the mixes...





Track Of The Day: Miguel Migs – Dont Stand There

the one decade honesty dilemma

bb. is a true and true cute gamer chick, with her straight, long black hair and geeky, small black-brown framed emo glasses... blessed with a non gamer, killer, young 34-24-34 curves to boot... something a gamer boy would gladly give up a +10 sword of all slaying, a set of godly armor plus ten thousand gold pieces to meet in real life... lo and behold, i by fluke, luck and chance, met her... and there she was, waving her axe around, meandering her time away in a mmorpg a few years back which i happen to also play out of boredom... i never paid much notice to girl avatars in mmorpgs for some real life males were notorious in using a female avatar to solicit equipments and gold from hot blooded real life teenage male players *laughs* i looked at her, made small talk and went on my own merry way, hacking at cute, defenseless furry animals while she did the same on the other end of the screen... so i sauntered into town, my backpack full of drop items for sale and i saw a clan was recruiting, her clan... so i pondered on it for awhile before signing on the recruitment charter... so there i was, surrounded by a bunch of noisy kids, talking about in-depth game stuff... i just sat there and listened...

the kids would call me uncle *laughs* i never made it point to hide my age in the online games i play... i would get reactions ranging from "cool!" to "really? O___o" to "it doesn't matter... (^__^)"... gamers were cool like that... age was no barrier to us mingling and we were after all only as physical as the avatars that represents us on screen... it's the gaming spirit and the teamwork that's important... and so there she was... asking and asking, while nobody answered... cluelessly cute and oblivious to why i was called uncle by the rest, cos' she was busy hacking and slashing away at the enemies when we were laughing over my age *smiles*

and that's how i met her...

bb. was never really a blogger... she kept her own blog, which were weekly, if not monthly updates on her study life and the occasional post on things other than studies... but she does make it a fact to read blogs cos' she's a voyeur like that... and she frequents my blog cos' she likes how my writing and images evokes emotions in her... unfortunately my last few posts about e. has struck a certain chord of disdain in her... she cries foul at my distrust with her and at my unwillingness to open up the rest of myself to her for i only share with her the part of me that adores and loves her... the part that treat her like she is his world, his anchor... she wants to see the darker side, the secret that he keeps but he's not too sure if he wants to expose that part of him to her... not just yet... maybe in time, but seriously, not yet...

i for one must learn that the honesty of a 20 year old out of town girl is very much different than a 20+ year old KL woman... for her trust is a very pure thing and i can see that her trust for me is whole... and for all that's true and sacred, that seriously scares the bejeezuz outta me... i've been used to playing mind fucks, distrust, dishonesty and lately, i've learnt that even years being in love doesn't make up for anything when shit happens... when the other party just refuses to make things happen, gives up and drops outta the picture sans explanations... i've been in relationships where honesty is a thing that you laugh at, then turn around to swap partners for the night and wake up tomorrow next to strangers... go look for my girlfriend among the tangle of bodies, wake her up, walk out the front door and say i love you to each other like nothing has happened... i was so deluded then, thinking that that was love... i would be a liar to say i didn't enjoy myself back then... debauchery and hedonism has it's attractions, and somedays when i sit down now, unfortunately, i still crave for it...

there's was one point in my life, where drinking and drugging yourself silly was a nightly affair, hence i can understand why people do that, but i don't condone it though... so many girls that i've been in and so many thing that's been in me for that period in time, i went for blood tests every 4-6 months just to keep myself from flipping out... worrying if i might die from something i picked up or my kidneys might just crash from all the crap i feed through my mouth and skin... and i'm still paying back through my kidneys and liver actually...

and i myself must also learn to to control my ditrust and jealousy and accept that she's young and she needs her space... and she needs her other boys, other than me... and it is no fault of hers that she will have admirers... and she will have guys going after her, regardless of what i do... i guess all older man-younger girl relationship has this problems, as a few friends in similar relationship has warned me of things like this happening... guess the hazards comes with the territory huh? *laughs*

bb., i want you to know, you're are the one keeping me sane and grounded when everything falls apart around me... as i've told you again, i don't care if my friends tell me that 20 year olds ain't exactly good "anchors" because they're too young to know shit, cos' bloody hell, you're my anchor, that's for sure... you plucked up the courage to approach the big bad wolf... and the big bad wolf learned not to snarl and bite at your advances... that's a very big achievement... you've touched me here *puts right hand over heart* that way...

and so i write this blog, this particular post, for you... from time to time, i'll post up posts which i know will make you angry or sad, not because i'm doing it on purpose but i know no easy way to tell you what you want to know... we could sit down over a cup of coffee and i still can't find words for all this... i guess i put words into writing better than i speak... i know you will read this, as you've read the rest...i think you have to give me time to learn bb... let me switch out of this mentality that i'm currently so utterly stuck in... i do want to make this happen, because this is a two way thing... and i can see that you're trying so damn hard from your corner...



i'm so sorry to have hurt you... never again...



semper amemus...



nemo nisi mors...





Track OF The Day: Yolanda Adams – Open My Heart (Guidance Mix)

sleeping with, sleeping without

It's been a helluva week and summore for me while i was in singapore, not too long back... spending time with new friends... getting to know even more new friends... getting a sonic overload from a kick ass nine-piece, all the way from des moines, iowa... and being able to get hard alcohol from 7-11 and drinking it with friends by the road side at 1am in the morning, drinking with people that shouldn't even be drinking because of religious restrictions *chuckles*

and i've been sleeping with five girls so far... three girls in singapore, in the same bed, at the same time and two girls in kl, in the same bed but on different nights... all in the space of one and a half weeks...

oh don't shoot me down just yet, it wasn't sexual in nature... though if it was a few years back, i wouldn't bet my bottom dollar on it being not *laughs* but i wouldn't deny the fact that it does feel good, waking up in a semi-foreign country to a girl001 breathing on the back of my neck and your nose buried in a mess of nice smelling hair that belongs to girl002, three pairs of arms and legs entwined, their curves imprinted on the back and front of my body... brings back some good memories *laughs* girl003 slept with guy002 at the other end of the twinbed... From the looks they gave each other in the morning and the muffled sound of things in the middle of the night, i bet they had some fun exploring *wicked grins*

and so i came back to kl, to share a bed with girl004... after a night out of drinking with the gang, we went home... and we talked and talked, and then she cried... so i listened and consoled... as you can see, nothing could've happened, especially when a girl is sad... uhm okay... no wait, don't answer that :P but seriously, i would've rather slept on the floor than send her out to one of the wolves that was waiting for her...

but i guess nothing beats sleeping with girl005... waking up to hear her soft voice saying hi, to see her looking and smiling at me... you know who you are and you're always welcome to stay *smiles*





Track Of The Day: Zero 7 - Warm Sounds

shouldn't have...

(illustration- ilovedyouatallthewrongtimes[from e.])

shouldn't have been curious... shouldn't have picked up the mobile... shouldn't have scrolled through the contact list... shouldn't have paused on your number.. shouldn't have press "yes to call"... shouldn't have waited for the ringing tone to connect... shouldn't have said hi when you said hello... shouldn't have kept talking when my heart told me to stop... shouldn't have asked to meet up when you sounded so cold... shouldn't have pushed you for a meet up when you said you can't five times in a row...

shouldn't have have hurt but it does still... shouldn't matter but it did... shouldn't feel crushed but i was... shouldn't... shouldn't... shouldn't...

shouldn't... *sighs*

i do not know where you got this illustration... but the tag is so apt don't you think? you said," i loved you at all the wrong times... "

so did i e., so did i....

schwingapour

(photography[singapore], photoshop cs)

there's something strangely calming about being in singapore... it's like being near her... knowing that it's the hols in uk and she is back in s'pore... memorising the street she stays... knowing it like the back of my hand because i absent mindedly kept skimming the amk section of streetdirectory... standing in the lobby of pan pac, wondering if i'll be given the cold shoulder if were to suddenly walk around the corner to your house, turning up uninvited... maybe i should call 1st and see what's your reaction... i know i shouldn't, my gut tells me not to... it would turn out bad... but i really want to hear your voice again...

sorry bb. if you're reading this... an 8 year relationship with c. is hard enough to let go... and so is an 8 year of longing for e.

... i hope you understand...

pulse of the maggots

(photography[fort canning green, s'pore], photoshop cs)

a 5-6 thousand strong maggot corp. communed on top of fort canning park... 1 n 1/2 hours of ear bleeding, gut twisting, maggot stomping, sonic ferocity unequalled by any bands that has step foot onto the soil of the good old rigid, totalitarian schwingapour...

and when they played Purity, my black heart pulsed with joy....

*points up* have you ever seen an uglier bunch of metal heads? *laughs and makes the das hornen sign*





Track Of The Day: Slipknot - Pulse Of The Maggots

lullaby, love...

(photography[my room], photoshop cs)

it doesn't take too much for someone to make me love them... trust... sincerity... honesty... now those... those are the most important traits...

and most of all, a wilingness to just fuck it all and dive in head first... even when he's covered with nicks and bruises from his previous relationships... a willingness to give it a try, look at risk in the eyes and take the leap of faith... a brave soul to just reach out and grasp his hand, the one that's afraid to love again... to love is to be unabashedly unashamed.. to be bravely rude... to run up, smile and say hi... to be thick skinned enough to sit by his side and strike up a conversation with him when he doesn't want to... to come knocking at the door of his heart and senses when he least think it would... never knew a kid would be brave enough to tackle a big bad wolf... and little red did tamed the beast this time... *smiles*

so this is love...

damien, she might not be anything like the rest were... but she can definitely give me a whole lot more than those before her could...

i see you now damien, i see you and your predicaments with your so-called quality picks, better choices... so my good friend, who won now?





...nothing equals the joy of watching you sleep next to me, your chest rise and fall calmly, your hand grasping mine...





Track Of The Day: A Perfect Circle - Lullaby

insomnia 2

(digital photography[sound design studio 3], photoshop cs)

...flipping counters and flashing lights... half asleep, half open eyes... tricked out mood swings, missing emotions, sub par weed...





I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet
Make my way to the refrigerator
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me
Greasy, insomnia please release me
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath
Tearing off tights with my teeth
But there's no relief
I'm wide awake in my kitchen
It's dark and I'm lonely
Oh, if I could only get some sleep
Creeky noises make my skin creep
I need to get some sleep
I can't get no sleep....





Track Of The Day: Faithless - Insomnia (Moody Mix)

insomnia I

(digital photography[sound design studio 3], photoshop cs)

150 programmable audio banks... tying up multiple free banks for: a 4/4 beat loop, a string loop, an organ loop, multi effects loops, a back up vocal from Adora and my attempt at freestyle rap-singing Maxi style in the recording booth...

thanks for the track Sam... it brings back a lot of good memories... late night underground parties... tripping session around the coffee table... and on the sofas, stoned people melted into the lush cushions, bumping shoulders and stealing kisses... while totally high on substance and liquor...





Track Of The Day: Faithless - Insomnia (Monster Mix)

echolalia

(photography[pen, paper and poetry], photoshop cs)

.Baudelaire.Verlaine.Garcia Lorca.Antonio Machado.Leon Felipe.Roberto Fernandez Retamar.Jorges Luis Borges.Pablo Neruda.Rabindranath Tagore.Czeslaw Milosz.Andre Breton.George Elliot.

the names... poetries from whom i have not read in a long time... i have lost the passion... i have lost the grasp to picture and understand the subtle meanings behind the words... and i have not found someone whom i could easily and willingly share the beauty of alphabets and intonations that forms such emotive letters and paragraphs... and i have not seen someone who could equal her passion with poetry... thus i rather be without, than be with... to be so in pain and alone with it...

i miss how you trace the words with your fingers... how you read them with passion softly, words mingling in a whisper on your breath... how we read them to one another, in hushed tones, while in each other embrace... how our voices, our words overlap and repeat each other... beautiful echolalia...

and we shared a common love for neruda... you penned me our favorite sonnet xvii on a piece of notepad, straight from your memory and slipped it between the clothes you left behind... and that is all that i have left of you...





Love does not claim possession,
but gives freedom.

-Rabindranath Tagore-

I cannot be waiting forever Ling... and like what you've done to me, thus i shall set you free... if you do return, then we shall see...





Track Of The Day: James Blunt - Beautiful