Tuesday, September 28, 2004

semistrangergoodfriend

Well... It's been almost a week and we're on talking terms again... Things are very different now, very... but I guess you can never be angry with someone you spent part of your life with... The usual dinners and movie sessions feels strange, like you're going out with a friend... not an ex-lover... but its something new from a totally different angle and view. Maybe we have grown out of a love relationship but we'd still like to keep the aspect of our friendship between us very much alive and I appreciated that gesture from her.

So yea... I kinda like this arrangement... semistrangergoodfriend... eventhough we know each other as well as the back of our own hands... I like it, I'm comfortable with it... so does she and so it shall be...

Today's tracks is from her.. I know what the song means *smiles* Well.. *laughs* She deserves to give me the final fuck-you after all... And I accept the song with an open heart....



Track Of The Day: Basement Jaxx - Good Luck Baby

sleeping with... sleeping without...

So yea.. I've made good on our agreements and moved out from the place we shared for 3 years. Now I'm back at mom's place, in my old room.. Only just because she insisted and she knows I'll be bed-hopping too much if she lets me rent a room outside *laughs* Heck... how do parents know so much about you from a glance? It's embarrassing... I mean compared to having your friends know that you are a super stud, that's is in a way an ego-booster but this is your mom man.. OMG, I think this will haunt me forever... knowing my mom knows I'm a man-whore-stud!~ *laughs* I think e. spoke to my mom.. I'm pretty sure about this!!! ^^

I'd say it wasn't easy, this moving out thing... Packing in total silence, passing things around like automatons on a pre-programmed path... Being as careful as possible as not to bump into each other and avoid any bodily contact. So it has become like this... like strangers avoiding skin contact on a bus ride... like squeezing through a crowd of people, using your arms to keep them at bay... I looked at her face but she didn't look back at me. I looked away and I can feel her eyes searching my face for eye contact. That 1 hour was a jumble of emotions... all spoken without moving of lips... Spoken with eyes, arching eyebrows and soft sighs... And at the end of that one hour... 3 years of my life was packed into one Satria... Then I sent her to work and I leaned over to offer her a good bye hug and kiss but she gently pushed me aside and smiled a sad smile before saying," No... maybe not this time..." She then opened the door and walked out of my life completely...

So this is what it's like to be sleeping alone... I roll over hoping to spoon a warm body... To put my arms around a breathing body... To put my hand on a breast and feel a relaxed, rhythmic beat... To put my leg in between hers... To put my face on long silky hair and smell a familiar shampoo... To put my nose on her neck and breathe in her scent... I roll over and I find nothing...

But I'm not sad... Well maybe slightly, the full extent of my choice has not set in yet I guess... But yea, I'm not sad... Like I said, I guess safety isn't what I'm looking for after all... I could stay with that but I doubt I'll be really happy until I have love... and I have love... because I have e.



"You've got this strange effect on me... And I like it..."



Track Of The Day: Hooverphonic - This Strange Effect

Friday, September 24, 2004

silentroomwhitenoise...

My heart left a few days noon ago on a SIA flight back to UK... I feel strangely empty. This dull, soundless sorta silentroomwhitenoise... with the window blinds closed and the lights turned off... When the world outside is suspended between nightfall and daybreak... Where everything is silent, and you can hear the drips from the leaky faucet in the bathroom. I guess I dont feel achy(well, not much) anymore... Maybe a slight daggertwisttwingesadness and the occasional stabbedintheheartouchies whenever I let myself float away from work and remember her smile or her touches... but that doesnt mean I love her any less or I miss her no longer... This distance, I've never liked it cos it has caused me so much trouble in the past. I worry whenever she needs an arm to hold her... Cos' shes just like me: a creature that craves highly physical stimulis and comforts... And she has never lacked arms to hold her, or rather she would never have to try and look them for like I do... I could be jealous(because its easier for her?) but that's a good sign yes? I never thought I could be jealous... There was so many open relationships... so many swap arounds, yours and mine, ups and downs... but she fired up the green eyed monster machine in me... and its churning out little green imps that whispers things I do not want to hear in my ears... And I think for once, I truly felt serious jealousy... but in actual fact, that creates clashes within me to no end because I'm such a masochist(e. would know what I'm saying *smiles*) Ah, the two facets at eternal loggerheads... maso-logic versus chauva-emotion, alternative versus straight-lace...

So yea... she said she's applying for internship nearer to me... Well, I hope she gets it. It would definitely be wonderful news. To spend more time with her and to spoil her like she knows I will. And I'm doing my little bit towards the 'us' cause *laughs* She knows how I try *grins* Hope it takes us to where we want to go yea?

"Restless tonight... Cause I wasted the light... Between both these times... I drew a really thin line... It’s nothing I planned... And not that I can... But you should be mine... Across that line..."




Track Of The Day: Finger Eleven - One Thing

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Trading 8 years for 1 1/2 days...

I won't expect people to understand the 8 years I've spent with her, neither will I sit and try to explain, cos' words just don't cut it anymore... The ups and downs.. and mostly downs... The time longing times apart, the quarreling times together. But logically, 8 years... that's a super heavyweight figure... That's 1/3 of my life on this god forsaken planet...

but...

1 and a 1/2 days in total... 1D 2N... opened my eyes to something new. I've known e. for as long as I can remember... heck, it's 8-9 years as well. She's always the girl I wanted to be with but we were never close enough to get anything going... She would sit with me till the wee hours of the morning and we would talk and have our little HK dramas. We would laugh and joke and smile. And she would ultimately make me super jealous with all the 'her boys' stories and I would try to diss her off with my own 'my girls' stories *laughs* She was just that... distant, semistrangersometimeslover until that 1 n 1/2 days... it's like rushing 8-9 years into 36 hours... It's absolutely superwonderfulexhilaratinglove and the best part is, it flows bothways. Sending through our intertwined fingers, such superimmenseelectriclovearcs into both our hearts... Electrocution never felt so good...

So now... ends 8 years and begins(maybe?) 1 and a 1/2 days... Some call me stupid to trade safety for love, some call me brave and urged me forward... Regardless, the last page has been turned, the book placed aside and now, I'm ready to start on a new book... I just have to pick it up and turn to the 1st page...



"...One of these days you'll break me of many things... Some cold white day, but you're crazy if you think I would leave you this way..."



Track Of The Day: Deftones - Good Morning Beautiful

Thursday, September 16, 2004

lying in the same bed, sleeping miles apart

"I let you go... go to her... go to e."

I came home to see her sitting on the bathroom floor. Tears, mascara and blood streaked on her face. She looked up at me and smiled the saddest smile. I see thin lines of caked blood on her arms. I scooped her up, checked her arm and sighed a half relief... play cuts, nothing too deep. I scooped her up in my arms and she curled up into it... and sent her to the clinic...

Now she sleeps beside me. In the darkness, the muslin bandages and gauze pad, dried rusty patches on white... like eyes... stares accusingly at me. Why do I make people go through all this for me? Why do people go through so much pain because of me? I'm not worth it... not in a million years... never. How can I leave now? What do I tell e. now? Why do I have to tell e. so soon? *sighs*

She shuddered momentarily and I placed my hands on her back. She sighed in her sleep. And for the first time, anguished... confused...

I cried...

"... we're lying in the same bed, but we're sleeping miles apart..."



Track Of The Day: Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Monday, September 13, 2004

good morning, heartache

Morning rains are nice... Especially when you're the first one into the office, when its all semidarkalmostbrightmorning. You draw open the shades, let the sun in and the whole bay window is yours... All 10 feet plus of it, looking down onto the streets below and into the reflections of the puddles, reflecting the skies back at you. And you fire up the cappucino machine and the cup your holding in your hand is the 1st cup out of the machine today... Its a nice morning, by a nice bay window with a wonderful view of the outside... Thats if you don't have this heartache the size of a small African nation in total war in your chest.

People only see what I let them see. My friends both online and offline sees the player... which is only a very small facet of me. They see the psychobabeboobslovingpervert. They see the hardcoregamer. They see the funnyjokerman. They see the crowdpleaser. They see all that. But what they dont't see the emopoetphotographer. The boywhosheartiseasilybroken. The kidwholovedbutwasneverlovedinreturn.

People ask, how can you love so many people in one go? Hey, I can't answer that myself. Love works in a mysterious way. Not that I'm complaining but I'm getting hurt too this first time around. So this is what lovehurt feels like. This must be the payback for when I up and left that pretty girl in upper secondary 5, I left without saying goodbye. This must be for that time when I kissed that malay girl that I was into so much and I found that it was more than I bargained for. This must be for that time when I held this cute girlfriend's hand and she thought she had something going on between us, and I left again for 3 months. And this must be ultimately for the time when I been with girls and then left without ever saying goodbye. I'm commitment-phobic yes... The C word and God forbid, the M word was never in my vocabulary... Its like a dirty word to me. I had arguments(or rather heated debates with friends and family members) over getting married. They would never cease to ask me everytime they see me:

"When are you geting married?"

I'm so tempted to shout shut the fuck up and mind your own bloody business, but common-sense held me back. I would ultimately reply: why get married? Is it for the tax rebates? Legal sex? I mean 2 people can be together and not get married, and if your so worried about the legalities and you wanna have little yous and hers running about, then just get registered. There, case closed. Over pompous chinese weddings and dinners isn't exactly my cup of tea. I mean what the fuck.. the wedding is supposed to be me and her, not feeding you guys on pretend expensive food and expecting a hefty ang pau in return. Heck no... I'll tell you all that I'm married and just be happy for me, that would be enough. I don't want your ang paus and I'd figure most people think going for wedding banquets is a chore so just let it be then. They would look at me in horror and I would chuckle and heh to myself. So there, I have alienated myself from my married friends even further... *sighs*

I find my heart to frivolous to be ever tied down to just one person. But I feel I must IF I ever do get married. I can't go on like this. I'll just burn out this heart of mine but I'd guess that will be for the better cos' I've caused too much pain to too many people and gotten too much love in return. Quite an unfair equation don't you think?

Tracks Of The Day:
No Doubt - Dont Speak, Running
Incubus - Wish You Were Here, Nice To Know You, Warning, Stellar, Drive
Deftones - Change(In The House Of Flies)

Sunday, September 12, 2004

safety or love?

My mom's wonderful. She sat by the bed edge and talked to me, and its been to long since I've spoken to her.

"I like 'e.' She's well-mannered and talkative.. See, even your dad likes her.. He hasn't spoken to any of the girls you brought home before this.. and in that short 1 hour, he was so freaking talkative, its scary!"

I laughed and smiled at my mom, "Yes, I like her too... and she likes me as well. Unfortunately circumstances deem to pull us away, into opposite poles"

She said the final choice is mine but most people choose safety over love anyways. Is like my mom is trying to justify what I did was correct, but heck... its sure as well no bloody working. As my mom spoke, I lay here in the indentation that she left on my bed... I put my face on the nook where her head laid. The Boggle set, strewn on the bed... Her handwriting like it was yesterday, on pieces of paper... "Tap, Pat, Quay, Reign..." Her half drunk water bottle on the table beside my bed. I don't expect for her to but my heart aches for her to understand. But what is there to understand when I chose safety over love. To be safe, stuck in a loveless marriage knowing that the other party will love you regardless... or to follow your heart, follow love to UK... wait for her for 5 years... but yet, the final destination is still unknown or even if we both will make it there in one piece. I guess that's what I'm afraid of... But I'm still choosing cos' I think being safe is just not what I was looking for after all...


...and it hurts to talk to you and do not feel the love for me in your voice anymore...


Track Of The Day: Mew - Comforting Sounds

Thursday, September 09, 2004

she knows...

she smiles a sad smile and looks away with pain in her eyes.. she knows that she does not have all my love anymore... she knows there's you and everytime i look at her over here... everytime i think about you, alone over there... i selfishly wish you both could the one and the same person so that it would be easier on us three. i selfishly wish i could be two different person, twice the arms, two different love to offer you both... i sit here with pain, longing, guilt, desire... staring off into space... all rolled up into a million heartaches the size of houses...


Track Of The Day: Sheila On 7 - Sephia

e.

Wow.. I feel butterflies in my tummy.. I havent felt those in a long time and not many girls can give me those... butterflies that is. As I sat on the wooden bench in the lobby of Micasa.. thoughts played in my mind. Would we be strangers? Would there be long moments of awkward silence? I stared into Tapas, looking at the diners inside looking out at me. And I sighed.. minutes crawled by.. anticipation in the form of a sledgehammer pounding, head kicking heart kept me on the edge of the bench...

'Hello..', a friendly voice drew me back. I looked up and saw her. My 'e.' It seems that UK has been kind to her, she looked absolutely great. 'hi..', I replied back to a big, warm smile, with twinkling eyes and all. She sat down next to me and gave me a friendly shoulder to shoulder nudge. I laughed and bumped her back. It seems my fears were unfounded. There was no long silence, no long, awkward moments... She made me fall in love with her all over again...

2 days was hardly enough for us to fit everything in but we managed to do so somewhat: cigarette hunting smack dab in the middle of hecticpartysaturdaynite KL at half past midnight. Feeding the mozzies by the dark poolside, sitting on white plastic pool-chairs, pushed next to each other... talking about everything and nothing. Getting her, her chinese name in ink brush style calligraphy exquisitely inked on the small of her back. Watching cable tv together for a few hours, on the office sofa. Going trinket shopping. Have dinner with my parents. Lazing out on my bed, talking and talking and talking. Playing Boggle. All those times we promised to spend together, all rushed into a wonderful but sadly brief 48 hours...

I'll cherish this short days... for its never easy to catch a free spirit like you and keep her with me... Will we see each other again? I will let Fate answer that for us... for I would very much like us to spend the rest of our lives together, just like this...


i would gladly hit the road get up and go if i knew that someday it would bring me back to you


Track Of The Day: Sugarbabes - Caught In A Moment